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| Hello, it's me! |
Hi Lovies,
I have been absent from FB and social sites, even my phone for over a week because I got to go around the moon instead.
On Sunday, February 9th, I had gone to bed late, as usual, after working on my book, actually finishing it except for the acknowledgments. Though I wasn't feeling well, I thought it was yet a touch of the flu I'd been trying to shake off for weeks, I slept well.
At around 1 p.m. I awoke, cuddled in my bed, looking at the beautiful tree outside the window and a tiny bit of blue sky trying to happen. My hands were close together on my chest stroking the soft fur of the warmest blanket and I felt perfectly content except for VERY BAD HOPPIN' CHEST PAINS. They were not going to allow me to stay in bed. I called for Rob, thank goodness he was home.
"BAD chest pains! BAD chest pains!" I announced, and sat up. "Call 911!"
He did not run to call 911. He stayed with me to make sure I would not injure myself. I sat up, swung my legs over the side of the bed, realized my vision was all blurry, and I was soaking wet with sweat pouring off me. I stood up to go get some clothes and change out of pjs, but found the wall instead of the doorway, oops. A little woozy on the balance there.
He stayed next to me while I insisted upon choosing undies, leggings, socks, t-shirt, sweater. I got them on as well as I could which wasn't impressive, and he helped with the rest. Then I told him to get the puppies and lock them in our bedroom and call 911. Hurry, hurry.
He said, "I'll drive you to the hospital." I said, "Can't make it to the car. Hurry, hurry." I felt as if someone had poured liquid fire into my heart and it had filled every chamber. In my mind I could see a brilliant color of copper just radiating out of my heart. At this point I had closed my eyes and was sitting in my chair by my desk in my studio (always my "safe place").
I felt zero fear. I was just breathing one breath after the next, each so short and hard to take like knives stabbing me. Just keep breathing.
Once I sat down he called 911. Felt like it took forever.
They came and brought a bunch of things into my studio. At that point, I think most of my system was shut down and I could hear but not make much sense. One of the guys said my BP was at 16, didn't hear the other number but you can figure out which one that is. Yep, pretty darned close to gone.
They asked Rob questions and me questions but I was just in total trust mode. I loved each paramedic with my whole heart and soul. One of them put a whole handful of chewable aspirin on my desk and said "Eat all of those!" I did and thought they were the best ever tasting candy I'd ever had.
I have no idea what they did to me but they were doing stuff. Got me strapped into a chair and I still had my eyes closed as they took me outside - the chair thing was to get down the stairs outside my studio. It was COLD. I was COLD. And I reeeeeeally didn't want them to make me lie down on my back, wanted to stay sitting up. They said that was fine for now.
Sat outside while they got the ambulance ready and they transferred me from the chair to a bed that they could adjust so that I was sitting up. I felt so embarrassed that the neighbors would see all this kerfuffle.
While the ambulance waited for clearance to arrive at the hospital, which is only about 10 minutes away from where we live, they were already setting up the operating room. Once we were cleared to go, they wheeled me straight into the operating room.
I thought they were just looking and deciding what to do, but as I found out later, they went straight into the operation itself where they put two wonderful friendly stents into my heart where it was blocked, and by 5 p.m. I was in ICU. Because they had gone up through the veins in the groin area to get to my heart, I had to lie flat on my back without moving or raising my legs/knees for FIVE HOURS! Wow that was HARD. There was always a nurse in there grabbing me to hold my legs flat cause healing has to happen in that vein before you can move at all. Also I was allowed no water this whole time and my body was completely dehydrated, my little lips flaking like a desert floor.
Wish I could say I felt better, but each breath was still very short and felt like knife stabs, and I was freezing cold. They said I could get warm soon.
Well I was in very good hands. There were at least three heart docs, many assistants, and I remember at some point (before entering the operating room) they were standing in a circle being introduced to me and they asked me if I could open my eyes so I did for a minute.
Then I went back into total trust mode. Thank you, thank you talented, hardworking, big-hearted medical professionals, for being trustworthy. You were all there and more.
Next few days my body was in quite a bit of distress, and didn't know what to do with water, or anything else. Just nothing came out of it. Hmph. Once I was allowed water I drank gallons of it and it was like manna from Heaven, but didn't come out. There weren't any problems with that it just all got used up inside me.
And once I was through the tough, flat on your back, freezing hours, they covered me with heated blankets. Oh my! That was lovely.
I am not sure when they let my husband come in, but he sat by my side and all I could do was sleep. I apologized for being such a dud date. He said he didn't want to be anywhere else. He spent as much time as possible at the hospital every day and into the nights, disregarding visiting hours - I think the nurses knew he would not be turned out. He came home to feed pups and kitty and himself, then came right back. Came home to sleep and came back first thing in the mornings.
My lovely sweet husband. He'd had this same procedure in 2011, only on the other side of his heart, so he says now we're a complementary pair XO
His heart attack never progressed to the point mine did, so mine was a bit more distressing to my body, but all is well now and I am recovering.
So, I wasn't going to write any of this medical part but seems it slipped out of me. The really important part that I wanted to blog about, which is AMAZING, is how it is the answer to my solemn prayers and a gift of HUGE proportions.
I have had a very close relationship with Spirit and my own spiritual guides for many years, and they keep me strong and help me to understand things. Well when my daughter died in 2015, I went into major retreat, which is not at all uncommon, especially with the death of a beloved child. I am proud of the productivity in my studio, the time spent doing gorgeous beadwork and some good painting and also writing our book, which I dearly hope will be a huge help to others who find themselves deeply grieving a loved one.
But last summer I felt the stirrings of wanting to come out of retreat and join the world a little more strongly, only I wasn't sure how to do it. My schedule was such that I woke at noon and worked most days until 3 a.m. I'd take an hour or a few hours with Rob for dinner in front of the TV, fall asleep after dinner, then whenever I awoke, which was anytime around 8 or 9 p.m. I'd go into my studio and work in one capacity or another. I LOVED the nights. They soothed me. I never put the back blinds down, so the moon sailed across my studio windows and I had either lovely music or old movies or my favorite detective shows on - I just love when they get the bad guys.
I was doing a few things that I'd started when I was about 13 years old, one of which was smoking cigarettes. And after Jess died I will say I didn't much care about quitting and smoked more than was good for me. Smoking was hard on my system, so I had been prescribed an inhaler a few years ago, and was told to use it every four hours as needed for wheezing. So I did. Also my poor little sinuses were overtaxed, so I used nasal spray about as often as well. I knew I was flirting with the idea of quitting smoking but didn't want to do any of the patch things because the side effects are very scary. I was pretty sure I couldn't just do this with willpower.
So I prayed. I told my spirit helpers of my challenges and asked them if they'd please help me, knowing that they would respond. I asked them to be gentle with me.
Welp, they handed me this gift. And the reason it is a HUGE gift is because for the first time since I was 13 years old no tobacco has passed my lips since that Sunday. Not a drop of nose spray has been needed. I do not need the inhaler. Not a drop of alcohol has passed my lips. Some clickover has happened and I can see with my whole spiritual Self that I had been handing my beautiful authority away and then trying to manage the consequences, getting caught in an ever smothering loop. I feel FREE.
When I was young, a teenager, all I wanted was freedom. I thought that in making my own decisions and stepping out of "forced" situations, I was creating freedom, but I realize looking back that I kept setting up the same forceful situations I experienced as a child. I accommodated my first husband, who was not trustworthy, and lost myself in the process. I had the courage to get out of that when it became necessary to get the children safe, and I raised them mostly on my own from the ages of 9 & 11, and worked very hard to do so, but also lost myself in that process. I did a great job, and would have it no other way, but now I realize that every human being is entitled to some joy, some rest, some play, some activity that is not "investment" in earning or learning. Just FUN. I claim it.
I'm happy to have this chance. Doesn't matter how long it lasts or what I deal with along the way, my life will now include joy, fun, exploration, nature, and plenty of love, because those are the peeps I am keeping close. The ones who love.
It has been very clear this week who they are, and I am so grateful for your existence and your presence in my life.
I will still enjoy the occasional glass of champagne on special occasions and even a glass of wine, but am more interested in becoming YOGA MAMA (yoga is part of my pure fun stuff coming up) than dealing with any of that. And you know what? I spent my 47 years figuring out how to live life at top speed, well, yes, I was always pretty much a bit of a lightweight, but for me top speed, so everyone can do whatever they want to and I'm fine with that! I say you're the only one who really knows how to be you, so enjoy it.
Now, I will offer many thanks for your patience in reading this very long blog post. I meant for it to be short, but I'm wordy sometimes.
I will continue to thoroughly enjoy working with you on Malas, earrings, commissioned pieces - we know I do these because I love to do them, and I love the exchanges and meeting you and enjoy the friends I make doing this work. I'm thinking once I get stronger I can see teaching some FUN classes in my future, not sure quite when, will keep you posted.
And I will post when the book is out. Coming soon XO
Namaste,
Jen
