I Don't KNOW How to Socialize!

Yep, that's me in my happy place!

I JUST NOW realized something about myself that I never knew! All these years, (64 now)! And that is, I didn't know HOW to socialize for MOST of my life! Working on it now and the learning is FUN....

As you know, if you've read my blog, I was an "Exxon brat" and we moved all the time, lots of times out of the country. So I had a childhood that was full of some truly wonderful experiences, which included being part of cultures totally different from American culture (the Netherlands where I was born, Japan, Italy, Malaysia, England, and other points in-between), and that brought demands to us children (my sister, brother and myself) that kids who were "born and raised in one place" didn't experience. 

Such as learning to amuse ourselves so that we were "seen and not heard," and learning to behave AT ALL TIMES OR ELSE, which meant, basically folding our hands and being silent if we were in a public place, which was often. Lots of time spent in really excellent hotels between all the moves, which required reeeeally good behavior. 

Mom tells us that strangers used to stop her in the hotel restaurants and comment on how well-behaved we were, lol. Mom had several techniques to make that happen, one of which was the raised eyebrow, another was the stare that could practically kill, among others, like bribery with the promise of new comic books for 25 cents a piece, which worked very well on my sister and me. We amassed a collection of about 300 comic books, which, unfortunately we had to leave behind in one of our moves. Damn, they'd probably be worth a fortune today! You can tell which technique mom preferred, lol.

The huge bonuses of this kind of life, to me, were that I got to visit some of the most amazing museums all over the world, I got to attend foreign schools, so learned different subjects (according to the country and its history and priorities), languages (started learning French when I was 9 years old in a British school), went on amazing school field trips to neighboring countries near the U.K., and learned to LOVE so many different kinds of people and their cultures, saw lands that are very different from anything we have here in America, such as jungles with all the animals and native peoples therein and about, waterways in Italy, maids and housekeepers and helpers who took care of us kids, etc., while mom did the Exxon wife thing which lots of people of that era understand. That included business-based schmoozing wine and cheese parties, bridge parties, outings with other Exxon couples, and basically rubbing elbows and hob-nobbing with others of my parents ilk. We were always put to bed before the parties started, and yes, we did sneak halfway down the staircase to peek at the people all dressed up but were careful not to get caught.

That kind of life didn't include relatives or cousins or much visiting with friends our age (my parents were both only children anyway, so no aunties or uncles or cousins), so we learned to amuse ourselves according to mom's command to go "read or write or draw something!" So we kids got good at all that. 

But what I wasn't so good at later on was knowing what to do when you DO visit someone, like a girlfriend. I had no idea that people didn't just sit around and talk and eat and drink and do grown-up things from which we were pretty much banned, until we came back to the U.S. and moved into a neighborhood where there were some other kids. Because we were sort of banned from the grown-up entertaining, which was fairly formal, we didn't get to see that "everyone in the kitchen" thing that you see on TV (God I just LOVE that, but when I tried to corral my family into doing potlucks at our frequent barbecues rather than the host doing all the stuff, I created complete havoc until they got used to it and I'm not sure I've ever been completely forgiven for that). Though we helped with the chores part of kitchen stuff when we were kids, we weren't invited to help cook or prepare the food. Mom wasn't that kind of mother.... Oh when I grew into an adult, I could host a GREAT party, with wonderful foods, music, and lots of service to the guests, all based on whatever my husband was interested in.

So for a couple of years as kids after we returned to the U.S., we learned to do cartwheels and run around the yard, visit the other kids' homes within walking distance, and be home before dark to set the table and help mom with dinner preparations like that, and clean up. Sometimes chores covered mowing the lawn, weeding the garden, picking up the rotten apples in the autumn, etc. Good work indeed.

NOW that I'm working basically mostly freelance from my home studio, I get to visit with girlfriends, and wonder of wonders, every time I go see someone we DO STUFF! We GO PLACES! It's so much FUN! 

All these years I've visited my mother's home we basically sit and stay put. She talks, we listen. She has some truly great stories to tell, such as when she danced with a king at one of the events.... When we went to visit my grandparents once we were closer to adult age, it was similar, Gammy did all the cooking (she was an excellent cook) and we sat and listened to the other grown-ups talking on the porch. Occasionally Gammy would let us do the dishes in her big old farm sink, though they lived by a river, not on a farm, and I LOVED being able to do that! She had a stool I could stand on to reach it and I liked washing her dishes in the soapy water, while my sister dried, but most of the time she wanted to do the water thing while I dried. Nonetheless, we could hear the grown-ups talking and laughing on the back porch, which was just off the kitchen and it was happy times.

So now, I don't have a lot of time to visit with friends, as I'm always busy doing stuff in my studio (reading, writing, and drawing, you guessed it!), but occasionally I do get to visit, and wow, it's such a SURPRISE! I've been to artist's homes where they invite me into their studio and we spend a few hours making something unique and lovely! WOOT! And some of my nature loving friends get together with me and we go hiking or to a farmer's market and come home with lots of edible LOOT! WOOT!

I also have one special friend who's born and raised close to here, and knows the WHOLE territory and MOST of the people who've lived around here for years and years and she takes me on adventures where I get to visit and meet people I'd never know about otherwise (a complete pleasure), and she takes me to places I'd never know existed around here that are really beautiful, and sometimes we play in her art studio and talk up a storm the whole time. FUN!

I have clients who come to my home to work with me on commissioned pieces of art for their Lovies and that's one of my favorite things to do. Yep, we have snacks, and tea or coffee or water or wine, and yep, we talk up a storm, while we work on the designs together, which is LOADS of fun. 

I think I finally understand what socializing can be like. You don't just go sit glued to a chair, you DO STUFF together! Who knew?!

I didn't know I didn't really know how to do this until it occurred to me the other day that I've been working so hard for so many years I didn't realize my focus was totally on accomplishment, and I'd left out the magic that can happen when you just go have some fun with somebody.

So now that hubby's retiring, I'm having fun building in a little fun that is NOT related to work. Who knew life could be this way?

I think I like it. A LOT.

It's very strange growing up "an Exxon brat," always the "new kid on the block," and hauling around these behaviors that other kids haven't had to develop, (similar to military families who are constantly moving), and I'm so delighted to be discovering this, even if it is a bit late. Hey, better late than never, eh?

The catalyst for this realization was, among a few other things, reading John Denver's autobiography, called Take Me Home, which turned on some lightbulbs when I saw so many similarities in his father's military career, his mother's devotion to his father's career, and his own reclusive behaviors (music, tree climbing, dreaming, and reflection) plus the very familiar urge to keep on moving because that's familiar. It's what we know intimately from a very young age.

I'm a bit envious of people who "belong." For me, home is everywhere I make it. For others it's always been something known. I find this fascinating and love to hear stories from people who are born and raised somewhere. So many of those stories are so very sweet and heartwarming.

What's your experience of socialization when you were growing up? Do share your stories! I just LOVE a good story!

Love and hugs,

~Jen

LITTLE UPDATE - I need to express my heartfelt thanks to all in my current community who've surrounded us with good wishes and many truly amazing and much appreciated recommendations as Rob and I go through our "year of collecting quotes on home renovation." WOW. So many people have referred their friends, family in the businesses, and experiences to us, and I feel that after some  26 years in this community we're enfolded, accepted, and loved. Thank you so much from the old new kid on the block XO!