Death: Letting Go vs. Loss

Freedom

I have been pondering the difference between letting go and loss, as a result of reorganizing my everything after the death of my beloved daughter, Jessica, at the tender age of 26, last year. 

Everyone speaks to us of loss when someone close to us dies. "I'm sorry for your loss," they say. And for a while, it seems valid and sensible and somewhat comforting to hear that. Not only do we seem to "lose" our loved one(s) to death, but we also may lose part or most of ourselves in the process, and have to work hard to redefine and pull ourselves back together, depending on how close they were and how much an active part of our daily lives, or depending on the complexity of the relationship.

Cycles are natural and good.

In my process of recovery, I've found there's something going on inside myself that KNOWS. When I cry my stomach and shoulders heave and tears pour out of my eyes and drench everything and I go through more tissues than all the previous years of my life added together, but the thought runs through my mind, and I hear myself saying out loud, "What are you crying for? It's okay, it's okay." 

And that something that runs underneath my ego KNOWS it's okay. That's why the crying eventually settles into little sniffs and I don't run into the street screaming and beating my chest and keening forever. I go clean something. I go pet the puppies. I go start a creative project. I go. Something inside of me, and I would guess, all of us, just KNOWS.

Resting in peace

Listening

That something, I define as the spiritual part of myself - half of the bonded body/soul, here in this physical world. All I have to do to connect with it is be still and listen.

This is the part that has inspired me to examine the meaning of letting go. To let go is "to allow someone or something to escape or go free"; "to relinquish one's grip on someone or something." Source - https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=let%20go%20definition

Each of us can pull up anchor and sail on.

And the spirit part of me also inspired me to examine the meaning of loss, or losing. To lose is "to be deprived of or cease to have or retain"; to become unable to find (something or someone). https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=lose+definition

Sometimes I need a little direction to find what I'm seeking.

I love the definition of letting go - and in the context of my daughter's passing, I envision it as her gaining her freedom without having to ask for the car keys. The spiritual part of me is thrilled that she's no longer "anchored" by sickness. The spiritual part of me knows she is not, and never will be "lost to me." Why she's right here in my heart, in my memories, in my DNA, in the very time and space that existed while she was here, and will always exist, and has always existed, when I think of my understanding of time and space, which are simultaneous except for here on our Earth plane of existence, and the love between us.  We were, we are, and we will always "be." 

Life in partnership

I like the idea that we lived the time we had together in partnership, and after she moved on, I honored our partnership by taking care of her things and keeping some of her things to hold close and celebrate her life and accomplishments and membership in our family. I feel that though she's changed form, and is now the combination of all of her lives on Earth and elsewhere, as well as closer to the central force of energy which I call our Creative Source, of which I believe we all are made, and with which we belong at all times whether we know it or not - I feel soothed in the knowledge that I too will undergo the very same process of changing form. How exciting, really, though I have much to do and other relationships here to honor before I get to do that.

Gigglepuss wears a woodland headband I decorated her with.

A life well-lived is worth much celebration. Much gratitude for our participation in it. A life well-lived, to me, is one in which we get to experience all kinds of things. And Jess did. And she shared so very well.

I am so very proud of her.

She followed her heart to experience life and love.

Happy travels!

And I think she is still following her heart, as we will all have the chance to do. 

And sometimes it leads her back to us, where she peeks in, and I look at the clock and it's 4:44, or 2:22, or 5:55, or 3:33, or 10:10. And I notice that the video she created to send for her brother's wedding is exactly 1:11 minutes/seconds long. So many little signs to let us know she loves us. So much love wafting up from us to her in her new worlds.

So these are the thoughts I have around letting go vs. loss. We have lost nothing, and I am so very wowed by what we have created between us. It's lovely. It's enduring. And I'm okay with letting go, since it's very freeing for Jess, and for us as well. 

We will meet on the same plane again, whether here or there, and until then, I listen and blow kisses when she sends her signs.

I should probably mention that it's still pretty good to hear "I'm sorry for your loss," since that's how we express ourselves when we perceive physical anguish around "the missing" feelings. 

It's okay, it's okay.

Namaste,
Jen

Flipped Thinking XXX - This is one of the hard parts I mentioned a while back

Beauty in Nature

So when I looked through my daughter, Jessica, the photographer's photos, of course I found some that she had taken of herself in a very special place. Sauvie Island, in Portland is an ancient place, full of Native American/First Peoples history, a place she would naturally be drawn to. She was drawn to it for many reasons.

As I read her journal entries I discovered to my distress that she had been severely depressed for several years. She never let it show, except with a couple of very close friends who understood and listened and stayed true to her.

She developed an unfortunately all to common symptom of trouble within the self, which is called "self-injury," and it involves a fascination with knives and sharp objects which are used to cut the skin. Many young people under too much pressure suffer this these days. We don't hear much about it.

She didn't like the idea of doing that to herself and in order to ameliorate it she started going to a nudist beach at Sauvie Island. We were close, and she told me lots of things, so I knew about Sauvie Island. She told me stories on the phone of the people she hung out with - elders who watched over her, told her the safe spots to spend time, people who'd play frisbee and walk and talk and be comfortable in their own skins without any sexual overtones. No drinking, no wild parties, no carrying on, just peaceful encounters in beautiful Nature. But she never told me why she went there.

She never told me about her depression. She never told me about the time she started carving on her skin with fingernail clippers or the times she would look at knives and want to use them against herself. I read about it in her journal entries when I inherited her computer. It was very hard to read about when it was too late to do anything to help her.

She only told me about going to Sauvie Island.

I worried like a mother does and trusted her to keep herself safe. And after she died of the sickness that stole all the strength from her body, losing 60 lbs she couldn't afford to lose, losing the strength in her legs so that I took care of her in a wheelchair and helped her do everything personal for the time I had her with me, when I came upon these photos I understood. This was her grace. This was her sanctuary. This was her safe place.

The sickness she had, Guillian Barré, probably triggered by Lyme gone undiagnosed or treated for several years, often kicks in severe depression.

When I discovered these photos in her collection it made my heart sing to see her so strong, and it flipped my thinking. In her journal entries she wrote that she chose to go to Sauvie Island so that she would not cut herself because she didn't want her friends there to see the marks. So in her view, it was a place of refuge and safety, from the biggest demons we ever face, which are those within.

Beauty and tranquility.

The message here is that what I saw/thought/felt as a mother got flipped after what I learned after her passing - what I worried about was not the thing to worry about. She had found a way to safety through sweet people who are close to nature and hanging it loose, hey it was Portland.

What I learned is NOT to judge, ever. Not to place my own fears and concerns onto another person because I do not know their perspective. Not even my own daughter who was so close with me (ah, such a teacher she was), but she was also her own independent, grown-up person, and she protected me to a great extent from what she knew I'd worry about. The deeper things. Things she feared I'd step in to try to correct. She found her way and her body was unmarred.

Peace and safety.

My little bird soaring in her power. So beautiful.

Determination.

I do not know if she knew she was dying when she had these photos done. But I'm so glad she had them done. They are too beautiful not to share. They are the celebration of natural beauty and life itself in the face of adversity.

Fly. 

She is gone now. And I feel she would want me to share her message.

Celebrate yourself. Fly. Don't let the bastards get you down.

I am sssssooooo glad she had these moments.

I have asked for her permission to share these very personal photos and insights. She will glitch the computer if she doesn't want them to be shared. xo

For anyone who has this trouble, self-injury, try some really good counseling, or if that's not for you, try a nudist beach. Most of them are generally a whole lot more wholesome than one would imagine, especially in France.

I will also mention that I have a close friend whose daughter had this problem - I hope it's resolved now, I haven't heard from her more about it. It is more common than you would imagine, and happens in the very best of families. Be kind, be kind.

Namaste,
Jen

Children's books at the Bellefonte Art Museum are definitely not just for children.

Fine Art vs. Illustration: Does the debate have merit?

We take flight with stories. 
(Illustration Uri Shulevitz)

For a few hundred years, since the advent of the publication of illustrated stories, those involved in the realms of art have enjoyed debating the value and merit of fine art vs. illustration. Which is better? Which is more collectable? Which takes more skill? Where do we draw the line between fine art and illustration? Which tells a better story? And, as with most debates on art, the answers depend very much on personal opinion. You could have a different discussion every night of the week, depending on who you're talking with and which artists you're talking about.

In contrast to the widely accepted and touted answers of recent decades, some of the answers to these questions have changed with the times, where today, we have whole museums devoted to illustration, such as The National Center for Children's Illustrated Literature, and organizations which define an illustrator as a professional, such as the Society for Illustrators. We have, for many years, had recognizable awards for the best illustrated picture books for children, such as the Caldecott Medal. And there are many more organizations celebrating the skill and artistic talent of artists who work with words and pictures.

The Caldecott Medal graces the covers of winners.

I'm so pleased to be able to share some of the most beautiful books written and illustrated for children in our Bellefonte Art Museum library collection, including several Caldecott winners, such as Song and Dance Man, shown in the photo below. The interesting thing about Stephen Gammell's illustrations for Song and Dance Man is that they're mostly done with colored pencil, a medium that has only recently been taken seriously as a professional tool for artists.

Caldecott winner Song and Dance Man.

Magic.

Our collection includes one book that might not make it through the publishers today - it is very controversial - come take a peek and see if you can figure out why Good Dog, Carl might be unacceptable in today's over-regulated society.

We love Carl.

Our collection includes several books on the process illustrators went through in the 1980s to get their ideas onto paper and out to publishers. It's fascinating reading. The process has changed somewhat with the advent of the Internet, where many times, illustrations are created and provided electronically, and authors and artists have easy options for publishing their own books without the need for large publishing houses, though those avenues still exist.

How did Uri Shulevitz do it?

How did Janet Stevens do it?

What do Berthe Amoss and Eric Suben say about their processes?

And we have our icons, those illustrators and writers that everyone knows and loves, such as Dr. Seuss (turned down 27 times before his first book was accepted for publication).

Retrospective Exhibition of Dr. Seuss's work held in San Diego in 1986.

Our collection includes pure magic and fantasy, with a couple of different versions of Puss in Boots.

Puss in Boots, illustrated by Fred Marcellino.

And stories celebrating the beautiful differences in cultures.

Chief Seattle's historical message, beautifully illustrated.

Detail from Brother Eagle, Sister Sky.

We have a tale from the Pacific Northwest - 

Bold color and cultural symbols.

I find it fascinating that Raven is a Caldecott winner, as is Song and Dance Man, and yet the illustrations are completely different, though both are gorgeous.

Take a trip around the world in Spanish!

Soak up some American history, beautifully illustrated by Samuel Byrd.

Check out the relationship between Flossie and the Fox.

Find out how Maebelle's selfless wisdom solves her friend's problem.

These are just some of the very special books we have to share for children and grown-ups alike in the Photography Gallery/Library at the Bellefonte Art Museum.

Children's books are powerful.

I'll tell you a secret. When I go to the doctor's office and I know they're going to take my blood pressure, guess what I read while I'm in the waiting room? Children's books. They never fail to bring it down several notches.

Fine art can do that too, whether you're creating it or enjoying another artist's creations. It's magic, come see! The Bellefonte Art Museum is open Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays, from noon to 4:30 p.m. or by appointment.

Members are encouraged to bring in your favorite children's books to lend or donate. Spread the joy!

Cheers!
Jen
Library Manager

Sharing gorgeous art books at the Bellefonte Art Museum!

It's a TOME. There can be only ONE.

I am so excited. I spent my afternoon going through my library, which is fairly extensive (over 1,000 books), looking for art books to share with members and visitors to the Bellefonte Art Museum. Wow it was so fun remembering all the hours I've spent poring through them over the years. More than half a lifetime, and hours well spent, sometimes outside under a tree, sometimes late at night between work hours - keeping my dreams alive and keeping my eyes and hands in shape for the time I would be able to spend most of my time drawing and painting, which has been a lifetime passion and is now becoming my "second career" after retiring from 16 years with Penn State University, mostly as an instructional designer (web design of educational subject matter).

The image above is the book my wonderful husband handed me to donate to our collection. It's a textbook sort of TOME - lots of black and white photos, lots of lecture-type, nose-in-the-air carefully educated, opinionated text. The reason my little caption says "There can be only ONE," is that as the library manager reviewing and checking in books for donation or lending, I consider it my job to accept books that are stunningly GORGEOUS, filled with AWESOME illustrations, INSPIRING, and that cover a wide variety of subject matter, according to our membership talents and skills (I'm even bringing in a book on mosaic artistry, so excited because we have a very talented artist who works in that style).

We are not boring. We are here to inspire you. We are here to enhance skills you're interested in improving.

A few really inspiring anatomy books.

Many artists do not draw the human figure because it can be rather overwhelming, all those muscles (or not) and curves. We have several anatomy books that are so beautiful you can hardly resist getting out the charcoal and playing with the light and shadow that creates a recognizable human being.

How-Tos

Step-by-step instruction.

We have some lovely how-to books on many styles of imagery, including watercolor and pastel, oils, etc. Borrow a few and see what you can do! Book sign-out starts March 1st!

Quirkiness is something we can all relate to.

In the interest of inspiration, I'm also sharing some books on artists who have been successful in developing a reputation for quirkiness and fantasy, commentary on contemporary society, and little beautiful messages from the soul. James Christensen is one of these - our collection will include two of his lovely books. If you feel like you don't "fit in," no worries, we all fit in here precisely because we "don't fit in." We are individuals with inner vision, and our unique forms of expression hold value to our viewers and clientele.

I'll tell you a story...

This book was pivotal for me at the tender age of two years old.

Ancient, I know.

This is one of the pivotal images.

The line, the form, the color captured my imagination and my heart.

The images above come from a book my parents read to me when I was just two years old, and of course, many times in subsequent years. I fell absolutely in love with the illustrations - the line, color, form, and beauty of them. This is what sparked my heart to do this as my lifeway - to become an artist. To create beauty that others could enjoy and fall in love with. To make their hearts sing. As we roll into having evening discussions and afternoon storytelling time, I look forward to the opportunity to hear what sparked others to become artists. 

One day I had the loveliest conversation with one of our members. He had worked full career years at the University, and at retirement, he decided he wanted to have some legacy of a sort to leave to his children, so he started painting. And his paintings are beautiful. Such a great reason to lean into your creativity!

So with the setup of the library at the Bellefonte Art Museum, my main goal is to inspire others. I get to review the books donated or lent, and will be looking for this. Gorgeousness is definitely encouraged. No dump-offs, no crapola. 

Here's part of what I'm bringing to share, all cover washed and dedusted.

For the children xo

And here's what I'm bringing for our children's book collection. No Disney. Not yet anyway unless there's a big demand for it.

These are books that are beautifully illustrated by artists who have been able to build respected reputations. 

So I'll be spending a few days this week at the museum getting set up, and we'll start lending in March. Take a minute to pop into the Photography Gallery to check the bookshelves to see what's there that might inspire you to create your next masterpiece : ) And please consider sharing some of the books that have inspired you. You can lend or donate. And if your books feel like "gold," we can keep them on the premises, not available for sign-out, but for viewing in the gallery, yes.

Come check it out!

See you soon,

Your happy library manager, Jen

Namaste

Creating the Healing Place, Using Our Power

Big empty room.

Today was a lovely milestone day. We survived the days of taking down the bedroom setup in the third bedroom. Pete from the Used Furniture place came and took some of the stuff we had in there, and we donated the rest to the Salvation Army. Both were kind upon pickup. When the twin beds went out of there (which I thought we'd have in the house always) I sat on the ottoman in the living room and had to cry a little for a minute. Change is uncomfortable, but very very necessary.

After all the furniture was taken care of (sent off with prayers for prosperity, peace, and good health for the new owners of these items) I rolled up the Persian rug and we put it out on the curb. I had walked down the hallway a thousand times this past year, seeing that rug, knowing I could go into that room, but I would not find my Jess. The rug just held a lot of pain. So did the beds, as I had made them up with my heart in my throat before we went to get her and bring her home to heal. I had spread out all her new clothes on one bed, and gave her the task of taking the tags off, but she was too sick to even do that, so I did it for her.

I knew I could not live with that intense level of pain for very much longer, so we decided to change the purpose of the room. We had lots of really fabulous exercise equipment in the basement that I'd purchased over the years, but I never used it because our basement isn't dry and the air is musty/moldy. So we decided to bring it upstairs and convert the third bedroom into an exercise room.

Wow. What a day. I haven't felt this excited by anything in a couple of years. It felt so good to be heading into positive territory.

Grown-up toys!

My sister gave us a rug she wasn't using for the workout room, and it's just perfect. A little bit of softness and mood, which adds some warmth to the room. You can see parts of each lovely piece of equipment, including our treadmill, Crossbow, and Fluidity Bar, plus my little bouncer.

Rob's reviewing the manual for the Crossbow.

The treadmill stands by the window, a great place to walk to our hearts' content, and I was very pleased that I could download the manual for the Crossbow even after years of it sitting in the basement unused. Rob spent the afternoon swabbing everything down with Mr. Clean, and hooking things up, including our computer, which will play the coordinating DVDs and other really cool things we can download to make workouts fun.

It felt very special that though the morning began a bit wintry and wet, the sun came out just as my nephew and his friend arrived to help move everything, and it stayed out til just after they left. Magic. I so appreciated their patience and strength and safe maneuvering of all this equipment. Isn't it wonderful when our Earth Angels come to help us?

I got to rearrange the other spare room once the treadmill had been moved.

And as so often happens, when a project is being done in one room of the house, many other rooms get affected, so I spent my time rearranging the other little spare room once the treadmill was out of there, preparing for the arrival of the new queen-sized bed, and organizing things that hadn't been touched in years (CDs!). I rediscovered my wonderful music collection and had a good time moving things around. A side note to my West Coast and Far-Eastern thinking friends - I did some research on which direction is best for sleeping, thinking of Earth's magnetic fields and how the birds line up to orient themselves each day at sunset, how the fish and other animals navigate according to the magnetic fields, and discovered some very interesting information. I like to learn from ancient ways, so took in some Native American info on which directions are best to have your head when you sleep, and switched my bed accordingly. Now my head is pretty much southeast, which should be much better than the North, the direction I'd been sleeping for a couple of years - oops. Can't wait to see if it makes a difference.

Still a million more things to do, little details to take care of, finishing touches to put on the rooms, etc. I've decided to have the poster Alicia made using Jess's photo of Mt. Hood and the moon and the beautiful poem enlarged and will hang it in our workout room for inspiration.

For this I rise up.

All day in my head I had images of Jess and me laughing, several different instances over the years. I think she was sending them to me. One was the time we were driving across country, after the divorce, bringing my kids back East to raise them, and they were about 9 and 11 years old. They were excellent travelers, and we'd been driving for days. We stopped at a hotel one night and went into the restaurant for some dinner. The kids were so tired they were a bit punchy and got a fit of the giggles. I told them to quiet down because we were in a public place and their eyes got as big as saucers and they both looked at me with very wide grins and they said "but there's no one else here!" And it was true. The restaurant was completely empty. So we all broke into fits of giggles that we could hardly stop. That was one of the images she sent to me.

Another was when I lost the phone. You might have heard this story before. Jess and I were sitting outside in the pergola by the pool and it was dinnertime so I shook out my towel and slung it over my arm, got ready to go across the yard to the patio but realized I'd shaken the phone somewhere. I heard it thud. So I got down on my hands and knees and crawled around under the hostas looking for it. Didn't find it anywhere. And Jess said, "Oh I'll just call you Momma," so she did, and it rang. But it sounded way up high. And we realized that the phone had bounced out of the towel and straight up into the hanging basket that was over our heads, swinging from the top of the pergola. We cracked up laughing and I told her it probably would've been there for the whole winter if she hadn't thought to call me.

Another giggle fit we had was when we were hiking in Portland with Jess and somehow I ended up in the middle of a camera war. Jess was on one end and Rob on the other and they pointed their cameras at each other but I was in the middle and for some reason this struck our funny bones and we all cracked up laughing hysterically.

There was also a time when I put my sunglasses on my head and my hair stuck out all over the place and made Jess laugh like there was no tomorrow. She was a true gigglepuss all her life.

She was just sending me these images all day. Aren't I lucky. She knows it's the 10th and Momma has made a decision to step into her new world with a lighter heart. I will still cry. I will still miss her. But there's something healthy going on around that, and I think she approves.

Blessings to you and yours,
Namaste,
Jen

Two Worlds Painting Done

Two Worlds all done!

Well I've made myself stop. Sometimes with painting it's knowing when to stop, and with this one I had a reeeeally good time.

This depicts the two worlds - spiritual and physical, and specifically, my daughter and myself as described in my blog post about this painting.

It's finished now, and I love many things about it, the main one being the creative power Jess has now in her new worlds. That's what I tried to convey in the design of her wings and her surroundings.

She's happy.

So this one is done and there's one more, which is the most beautiful of all. Will post about it when done.

Thanks for visiting!

Namaste,
Jen

Second Annual Review from my Employer, Dreamkeeper Creations

My good luck rabbit Ojime necklace which I wear all the time : )

So it is a bit past time for my annual evaluation from my bosses at Dreamkeeper Creations. I do this every year, to give me a plan and a touchstone and some encouragement. Here's this year's eval, which is a bit late because it was hard to write. But I'll certainly stick with this job. Oh yeah....

To Jennifer Berghage from her boss, Dreamkeeper Creations 01/03/16

Annual Evaluation

Dear Jen,

First, please accept our sincere condolences on the passing of your beloved daughter. We wish it could be otherwise, but we respect her choices and needs, as you do.

We are thankful that we still have you with us. We believe you have immense talent and we would like you to have a solid chance to develop it to share with the world. We would like for you to enjoy and revel in the moments that you are working to grow and to express your creative self, your mind and heart, and the appreciation you have for beauty.

We've watched you work through the hardest year of your life, and we'd like to highlight the qualities and skills that we see working for you.

It is evident that you have phenomenal strength and determination. It is evident that when you encounter challenge, you seek out ways to surmount it, some good and very effective, some self-destructive or weakening. In your situation for a limited period of time, the negative behavior is understood, and we sympathize. We are your best cheerleaders for working through it and letting go, for growing into the life-sustaining behaviors that make your work sing, and your heart sing.

It is evident that you have worked many years to create a store of reserves to pull out and lean on when you feel defeated, and you do pull them out, even as you work to escape the pain you have been feeling.

We would like for you to keep seeing your therapist, to keep that encouragement going, and the reminders that you are not your daughter, and that one moment is one moment, one appointment is one appointment, and what you do in-between makes a difference in how you're able to function and in how you feel.

We see that you're investing in both your restful life (new bed, peaceful bedroom with the comforts you find enjoyable), and in your physical life (creating your workout room where you can move your body and feel its strength returning).  We completely approve of these changes in your life and support your investment of them.

We would like to see you take some time to evaluate your direction for this year, creatively, no matter what else may come about, because it is the fire in your belly, the foundation of your existence here. You don't need to be famous, though you may become so, just create, do your very best, and spend time cultivating new friendships. Surround yourself with people who are doing what you're doing and working on living their own dreams. Drop the rest and anyone who does not encourage and support your dreams and efforts.

Choose carefully, focus, work hard, and you will see the reflection of your efforts and you will experience growing rewards. Stay focused when possible. Rest when you need to, walk in beautiful Nature, give your hands and mind and heart the power and freedom to do what they do, it comes from a higher source. This you can trust to bring you pleasure. And others too.

We are behind you one hundred percent. Follow your heart and don't let anyone steer you off your chosen path - listen and meditate. Enjoy your body movement.

We wish you the very best in 2016, a fresh new start, and a continuation of things that feel good. We are so very proud of you. Keep going. For you, for others who relate to what it is that you do.

Learn new things and let them fly. Spend time developing the social/online outlets.  Pay attention to the events at the museum, they are foundational to keeping you connected to others of like mind.

Carry on Warrior.

With love and respect and support and admiration - spread those wings and soar, we've got your back. We're looking forward to the wonderful year ahead.

Sincerely,

The DKC Team