Surprise - What To Let Go Of When Our Beloved Dies

The Big Beautiful World

Some of the letters I write to Celestial Jess are embarrassing to share. I guess I feel embarrassed because my weakness shows. I don't like to let it show. But sometimes she teaches me things and makes me think differently, and I like to share that with you.

So I wrote to her in the night on January 2nd, relieved that we'd gotten through the third holiday season without her physical presence, but dreading the time period between New Year's Day and January 9th, because that's the day I was told about her death.

Click on the images to enlarge them if you'd like to read the whole letter.

I reminded myself in the days leading up to January 9th that I never have to relive that traumatic, devastating period again. I reminded myself of all that I've learned since then. And when I reached out to her, letting her know how much I miss her, she gently set me back on my pathway, as she often does.

"I miss you Pal," I wrote.

"I know Momma," she wrote back. "But I had to journey on - you know me. I learned what I needed to learn and you were a big part of that and I chose to move on." Interesting that she says she had a choice. Do we have a choice even after our body seems too sick to go on? If we choose to come back, does divine healing take place so we can continue? How do we recognize that healing? Do we only acknowledge healing as being without challenges, or even a change of vibration/manifestation/existence and worlds?

When I told her that it seems backwards that I'm still here and she's there, she says, "I had an accelerated life Momma. I wanted to learn fast, and when I was done with it, I was done."

That phrase sticks in my mind - "an accelerated life." This is a new way for me to think of those who die young. It seems to imply some consent or arrangement before we come into Earthly incarnation. Hm.

She says, "You nursed me while I was weak, you showed me what is possible, these were some of the reasons we came together." Hm. I like that perhaps I was a part of the arrangements that may have taken place in our Celestial home even before we came to Earth. This is a fairly new way for me to consider our adventures together. Perhaps I can trust the process.

And, as she does fairly often, she sets me back onto my own pathway by reminding me that I am not done with my adventure here yet and she reminds me that she's with me always and I can happily stretch into who I am. She says, "Let it be as it is and KNOW that it is good." Know that it is good. We've heard that before, haven't we?

Live your life.

Here's where it starts to get interesting for me. She says, "Leaving the world is always heavy for those who love and are still there, but it doesn't need to be heavy at all when you understand your place in my journey - your role, your gifts, they don't have to be burdensome. Love with all your heart. Breathe lightly. See the beauty all around you and choose your battles to fight. Live your life. I am right beside you. Graduation is good. No matter how it comes about. Each exit has its sorrows and its blessings and beauty. Drop the responsibility Momma, and step forward into teaching and celebration of life itself. It's pretty cool. There is total balance on this side. Trust that."

Curious how she says I need to understand "my place" in her journey, my role, my gifts.... I'm not sure I've thought about it quite like that before. It's like she's saying we did this together and we each get to "keep" it. Forever. It happened. It is, was, and always will be. And there will be more of these types of journeys, together, if we choose. Hm.

When she writes about each exit having its sorrows and its blessings and beauty the thought that feels downloaded into my head/heart is that even when we are afraid of the trauma of a violent transition, one that seems forced, the one who transitions is not alone, and is surrounded by loving entities at all times. She talks more about that later on and I'll share that part too in the next post, which is at the same time scary, and also very comforting.

She praises me a lot, and I love when she does that. She used to do that on the phone too. And again, she reminds me to meditate. Some of my best lessons and paintings come from meditation. Such simple teachings, like lightbulbs going on.

When I ask her about the dream I find her response fascinating, since I truly didn't understand it and when I dreamed it, it felt cruel. I dreamed that she was right in front of me, dressed so finely I'd never seen anything like it. She was wearing a beaded necklace that was beaded right into the fine hairs of her body and I remember examining it in wonder. She was wearing a beautiful shimmery garment. She was very tall, somehow appearing as if she were standing above me. I touched her, put my hand right on her midriff, and the part that hurt was that she said nothing, she did not look at me, and I wanted so much for some kind of communication.

In asking her about this in our letter, I was reminded yet again that she communicates in different ways and if I don't understand I can always ask for clarification.

I asked her, "So Jess, what was that strange dream where we were so close, I saw beautiful you, but you said no words and I felt some sense of separation? What am I supposed to know from that?"

She says, "You are supposed to know that as beautiful as I am, you are you. And you need to follow through on your pathway."

I still thought it felt cruel of her to "ignore" me, and I wrote, "So why couldn't we just talk and communicate? Why the additional pain? Why not just relax into a fluid form of communication? Was that you?"

She wrote, "I was showing you that I am safe, well suited to my environment. I am on various levels. You must be somewhat more in your world but knowing I'm with you." I can feel that she gets a kick out of appearing in this gorgeous raiment, and explaining that she's "well-suited" to her environment. This makes her laugh xo My little minx.

I understand that when she says I must be "somewhat more in my world," she means I need to be with people doing what I do. I love to be in my studio doing artwork, drawing, painting, writing, and it can be somewhat jarring to be out in the world. But I do find that when I go out in the world I have the most wonderful exchanges with people. Truly delightful. She's nudging me to get out more so that I have more of these exchanges, where I learn from others, and I can give them some takeaways too. There is joy in these exchanges. So because of these nudges I'm making an effort to leave the wonderful seclusion of my studio and be out in the world. It is good.

So I asked the question we all are afraid to ask and we don't want to do it - "Do I need to let go?"

I was afraid of her answer. I was afraid of what she might say. And here came the zinger.

"Yes, let go of the Earthly stuff. The trauma. The attachment to the physical. Truly step right into our spiritual world breathing it all in and letting it glow in your heart. Really let go of the physical sometimes and afterwards ground yourself by going outside, feet on the earth, or with food. We are in relationship but it's all different now."

Wow. Yes, I'm supposed to let go, but not of her, just of my limited, "Earthly" definition of her. She's telling me that it's good to be in relationship, but I need to stretch into my spiritual self for that to happen. Her response surprised me. It is always interesting to be surprised by what your own hand is writing, especially when you feel afraid of it and it turns out to be just beautiful!

Little lessons....

I asked her another question and her response was interesting. While she was living with us as a teenager, she loved to decorate her room at Christmas with sparkly lights, and she had a little fake Christmas tree that she'd put up every year. It was something she picked up from a friend somewhere, and it was a little old and a bit of a "Charlie Brown" tree. She didn't take it with her when she moved to Portland, so after she left I put it up in my studio each year, in celebration of her.

This past holiday season, Rob and I were downtown and as we walked past Woodring's Florist I noticed a gorgeous little ceramic Christmas tree in the window. I had decided not to put up Jessie's Charlie Brown tree because it was so old and rickety last year it fell over twice, scattering its golden Mardi Gras garland, and smashing a few of the little Santa and snowmen ornaments. It felt traumatic at the time, as if something sacred were in jeopardy. So when I saw the little ceramic tree, I went into Woodring's and bought it. I thought it was just perfect for bringing freshness to our ways of "holding things sacred," perfect for stepping out of "the decline" and the past, and stepping into our "now."

New traditions....

I was delighted with this little tree, and enjoyed it very much in my studio for exactly one evening. Then the lights winked out right in front of me while I was standing there enjoying it, and they could not be relit. We tried putting in new batteries and that didn't work. I was so disappointed! I loved the tree because it is very small, smaller than most ceramic Christmas trees, and it fit right on the corner of one of the tables in my studio. I loved it because we bought it at Woodring's where, years ago, Rob had arranged for them to deliver flowers to my office every Monday for weeks when he was courting me. I did not WANT any other tree.

But unfortunately the little tree was put together in such a way that the internal bulb could not be accessed. The manufacturer had glued the base onto the ceramic tree in such a way that it couldn't be removed. It should've lasted 20 years. I should've taken it back, but I couldn't. I couldn't understand WHY this wonderful, healthy step into our new now had turned into a failure. Secretly, somewhere inside, I wanted Jess to fix the tree. I wanted it to miraculously wink back on and shine for the next 20 years.

So I asked Jess, "Why did my little tree break when it symbolized for me, our new relationship?"

"To test you and let you know your capabilities for making things the way you really want them to be."

"Geez though - okay," I wrote back, thinking good grief, it seems they never let up. The simplest things that we do to make ourselves feel better, to shore ourselves up, turn into tests and lessons. Yep. They do.

I spent time researching ceramic Christmas trees and found that many of them are made with plugs so you can just plug them into an outlet. I learned that you can buy just various parts. Light kits, bases, plugs, all kinds of things. So I talked with Rob, and he took our little tree down into the basement and used his Dremel tool to burn out the plastic bottom. It was a very delicate operation, since the ceramic could shatter at any time with the vibrations of the Dremel so close to it. But I reminded myself if I could live without my daughter's physical presence, I could certainly recover from a broken piece of pottery, so we took the risk. It did not shatter. Rob took his time and the bottom eventually popped right out. It was fascinating! The tiny tree had not been lit by a single white bulb internally, like most others - it was lit by several led lights that truly should've lasted for 20 years. One of them had the blackened interior that signaled its failure.

So now we had this beautiful little tree without a base or any way to attach internal parts. That's when I started to do some research. The first time I tried, before we'd taken it apart, the internet gave up no solutions. But several evenings later, after we'd taken it apart, and I again tried to research how to fix it, the internet provided a host of choices! Yay! So we measured and e-mailed an Etsy vendor and chose a base along with the smallest light kit and plug available, and when they arrived it took Rob no more than a half hour to put it all together. Ta da!! It worked and it's beautiful and it'll work for probably more than 20 years!

Darling little tree!

So that's the part in our letter where I say thank you to Jess for helping us find just what we needed. When I complained about the expense, my little $31 dollar tree now being valued at about $70 dollars, she replied, "You are well taken care of Momma, and you will always have what you need."

So I learned two very simple, but important lessons. Number One - If I want something a certain way, the Celestial bodies and entities are not going to come down and make that happen, though they can and do help me find my way, and Number Two - I have to take the initiative and act to bring things about that I desire.

I was so close to just returning the tree, but that isn't what I wanted. How many times in life do we give up? How many times do we curse the Heavens for not delivering? Well, with these two simple lessons I'm back on track.

Thank you sweet Jess for reminding me of my Earthly powers, to use them, and to invite you to be a part of them. It is a new relationship indeed.

Namaste,
Jen

Some of What They Do In Heaven

My Lovies xoxo

Yes, we are still writing, my sweet Celestial daughter and I. I have to go back about three letters to catch you up, cause some of the stuff she shares with me builds upon previous stuff.

Of course, sweet Jess was much on my mind during the holidays, so I wrote to her on November 28, and I asked her "What is your world like where you are, my sweet Jess?" I didn't have any idea of what I'd get back, but as usual, it was a few cool zingers.

Here we go.

Click on the image to enlarge it if you'd like to read the letter.

She's not playing harps, though I'm sure if she wanted to, she could.

She says "Well, as I have described before, it is vast. We see with our hearts, not so much with our eyes. We can project an image of ourselves with eyes, but we are light. And vibration. We feel, we have emotion, but because there's never any threat, we pulse, we pump along with events here and the process is akin to music, sound, with colors."

So I get the feeling she's telling me there's a sense of community and belonging and zero threat to safety.

I ask her "What is the purpose of this activity?" - meaning the pulsing thing.

She says "We feel a sense of belonging, community, throbbing with the whole. It's like the ocean breathing. It is an elemental feeling, primal. It restores in us our sense of rhythm. Rhythm. Like a heartbeat, the Universe, what you call it down there, pulses and we can join that, like a dance."

Hm, imagine that. No curfew, no transportation issues, just jumping in and throbbing along with the Universe. I could go for that. Must feel pretty good.

So I said, "Wow, this sounds like it would feel very good sweet darling." And I told her (wrote her) about the time I was meditating and got to hear Celestial music, which is an experience like no other. When it happened to me, I felt the music, I heard the music, and yes, I was the music. It was as complex as our very best orchestras with levels all through it but way better than anything we have here.

I had worked on our book that day, the book I'm finishing up that I'm writing called Coming Alive After Death, so I thanked her for her help on it because as I've mentioned before, I do nothing all by myself. I have a host of Celestial helpers as well as Earth angels to work with, and I love it!

Our "conversation."

She says, in her very Jessie way, "Hey Momma, that's what it's all about. I'm more than happy to help with our book. It is the way of things for me to be placed just so, so I can be of use in its creation." Such a funny little statement. I appreciate her willingness to be present and still do what she does "up there."

I said to her, "I got the sense today that we agreed to do this part together too, well beyond our Earth years together."

And she answers, "You got it Momma. We did. Our adventure is just beginning. Interesting, isn't it. I just love to play with you and work with you on it."

And here's the thing. She's very much in her "Jessie form" in this letter, but as you'll see in the next couple of letters, she experiences growth where she is and becomes quite a bit more expanded. Discovering these things about her spiritual world is fascinating to be sure.

It reminds me to say out loud to myself, "She's good. She's busy. She's growing."

I know that in my limited Earthly capacity I can only understand a little bit of what she's experiencing and I appreciate all she can share.

So, okay, I'll take you into our second letter. It was Christmas Eve. I'd had 4 what I call "meltdowns" where I cried, missing her, and cuddled under blankets with my pups in-between doing the Christmas things we have to do, or at least I felt like I had to because we had Rob's kids visiting us this year, and the show must go on.

I did that all right, but late at night I curled up to write to her and this is our exchange:

Being holographic and setting me back on my feet.

Christmas Eve I told her, as I say often to the air, "I miss you pal," and she said, "Hi Mommaaaaa, I've been waiting for you." Wow that was so sweet to hear. She used to do that thing on the phone when she said Hi Mommaaaaa and drew it out, with her singsong voice - she still does that. I can hear it plain as day when we're writing.

She says, "I am well. Yes, I do see the things you are doing and I try to help where I can. I am always with you, even when I am doing other things, cause remember I am holographic like a diamond with its facets now, Momma." That's a zinger for me, to be reminded that she can be in several places at once, which is hard for our minds to comprehend, but I like it cause I never want to "interrupt her."

She encourages me on my journey, which continues, and says, "Don't be afraid of the otherworlds Momma, they are your friends in Spirit. You are connected." Well this is interesting in that I've had a number of new things come about this year that include the "otherworlds." I've met some wonderful new friends who are writers, like me, and they're also interested in working with me professionally, as I can offer editorial services. Well, the pleasure's all mine, as I read the first volume of a trilogy that one of these authors has published and discover it's all about the fairy worlds. She writes beautifully, and working with her will be pure pleasure. The other has a heartfelt memoir that also has the golden threads of beauty and truth flowing through it that we can all relate to and I'm over the moon to be working with these two peeps right now. So no, I have no fear at all of the otherworlds. In fact, I will be doing garbage pickup in the schoolyard soon as we can see the ground again because I know it pleases the fairies xo.

Then Jess talks with me about my little ego self meltdowns and she says, as I am for certain sure all of our Lovies do from their Celestial worlds, "Feel me near. Feel my peace, my joy, my serenity. I am basking in my true home. I'm in the presence of the greatest teachers and friends, loves, all knowledge. It feels so good Momma." This is so very comforting to hear.

Then I ask her "How do I love you during this season?"

How do I love thee?

And she says, "Remember who I was and what I did and what I was seeking, and know that you were a great part of that Momma. I want for nothing but I feel your love, and that lifts me up and fills my heart."

I tell her I send her light beams of love all the time and she lets me know she can feel it and then she goes completely into a sideways thing, telling me what she's recently experienced. I found it delightful.

"The greatest thing happened to me recently," she says. "I shall tell you. I was bathed in light and color and sound and I felt it all around me and within me and it was like a refreshing swim in a cold lake - where you know you are safe, and you are all filled up. And there was music. Like nothing you've ever heard. Imagine that for a moment Momma - to be experiencing that. It feels excellent!"

And I love to hear these things. I look forward to experiencing them myself when I get to be in my sweet pulsing light body.

She says, "Don't be sad, Momma. It's really all good. Truly."

And that is very sweet to hear and to carry with me. Thank you sweet Jess for sharing your Celestial experiences.

There's another letter after this, where she again sets me back into my journey with great encouragement, and the one after that I ask her a lot of hard questions. I'll post it soon.

Thank you Sparklepuff for sharing with us all! I love you forever and a day,
Momma xoxo

Spirit-Self Studying the Book of Sacred Law

Quite the challenge I've set for myself, just listen Jen....

There isn't much I do as one would expect. I've pretty much always been that way, and this year's Call for Entries for one of the exhibits at the Bellefonte Art Museum in January is, wait for it...yes, a self-portrait.

NO, I'm not going to sit in front of a mirror or look at a photo of myself and reproduce it. Of course not! THAT'S not who I am.

The description in the Call for Entries said the exhibit celebrates the museum's 10-year anniversary - and it's our opportunity to let the community know "who we are." Well, I ran with that.

I am a spirit-being-human. I'm an artist. I love using my imagination. I base all my decisions on what I know as "Cosmic Law," or "Universal Law," which is much more beautiful and life-sustaining than contemporary societal laws and regulations.

So with this self-portrait I'm making a little statement about who I am. Hope they let me enter the show even though it's not exactly a predictable piece. It might stick out like a sore thumb among the talented artists who are capable of amazing realism. I don't know if that's what they're looking for, but this is my reality, lol.

You can click on the images to enlarge them.

Awareness of both negative AND positive space
are essential to doing Celtic knotwork.

What a challenge I've set myself! One of the things I'm determined to teach myself is how to draw Celtic knotwork. Lord, I've tried this so many times over the years and it's 'effin MIND-BOGGLING. Yes there are all kinds of computer applications that will draw it for you, but I want to teach my mind and hands to do it. It takes a lot of work and a lot of hours and some long-term staring.

This is the work you don't see behind the scenes.

I didn't include any of the language I expressed while working this out. You're welcome.

I WILL DO THIS! I WILL NOT GIVE UP!

What I discovered is that while staring, and sort of thinking, but really not because too much thinking does get in the way of the stream that happens with doing artwork - what I discovered is that I just need to step out of my way and listen. When I started doing that (people think we're just staring or thinking, but I see this as the time I'm listening and getting guidance about what to do next and how) I realized I'd have a whole lot more luck figuring this out if I focused on negative space (which has always been one of my artistic weaknesses).

So the first thing I did this afternoon, after her skirt, was outline the negative spaces in the pencil drawing of the Celtic border with ink. I'll figure out where the overlaps and underlaps are later. Can't deal with that yet.

My little helpers.

These are the rough guidelines I made just to get the general pattern down. I wish I could use a different color on the actual watercolor paper because to do this pattern you actually need three lines. The inside (red) is the pattern itself, the "flow" of the knotwork, and when drawing it I have to outline it on both sides, so I have three lines, which is where I get boggled. I'll continue to work with it. Am sure I'm learning a lot about Celtic knotwork as I start to make friends with it.

Feeties.

I do like her lovely feet with little feathers on them. She can fly if she wants to. And her skirt was very relaxing to do, though I won't know til I start to paint it whether it's made of feathers or leaves. She's keeping that a secret til the colors start to happen.

Past, Present, Future

I like her choice of reading matter. This is the page in the Sacred Book of Law that teaches us that the Past is our teacher, the Present is our creation, and the Future is our inspiration. A theme I like to work with. I did three paintings on it, which hang, beautifully framed, in the home of my son and his wife : )

When I stopped at about 5 this evening, I went into the kitchen and felt so relieved to see a few dishes waiting to be washed and dinner waiting to be made, and plants needing to be watered. Ah, set aside the work/play, and pour a glass of wine and dream of what we can do tomorrow.... Contrary to what you might think, I can't drink when I'm working because it takes a lot of focus and concentration, but afterwards, heck yeah!

Wish me luck! I have hours more of staring and drawing and many hours of staring and painting, then will take it to be framed. Hopefully will be all done in a couple of weeks.

Time well-spent. Such a pleasure. The colors, I think will be lots of fun to do. They are already starting to play in my mind.

Update - here she is all done! Ta da!

The whole image.

Just Herself.

How'd I do with that Celtic knotwork?

My physical Self struggling with life in the real world.

All framed : ) My husband still has his gloves on -
we delivered it to the museum on a very cold day, brrrr.

This one will be for sale, but the price will be high because there's so much work in it. And it has to be worthwhile to sell. I don't mind having it on the wall in my home ; )

Happy Thursday!

Namaste,
Jen

Letters and New Zinger Teaching from Celestial Jess xo

I think it's gorgeous Momma.

While my sweet daughter, Jess, was home healing, we sat on the little leather couch in my studio and I said to her, "I bought that turquoise candle holder thinking of you, because you like turquoise and teal colors. Do you like it?" And she said, "I think it's just gorgeous, Momma."

And every night after she passed, I would light it to send up good loving vibes from our hearts.

And when I write to her, and invite her to write to me, I light it. So that explains the picture. By the way, you can click on the photos to enlarge them so you can read her letter.

And now I'd like to share with you some "zinger teaching" she sends to me in her letters. I light her candle, put on soft music, and pull out our special journal, never knowing whether we'll connect or what she'll say. But I'm usually pleasantly surprised.

Our letter of September 24, 2017

I had inherited her beloved "Self Care"cards, which are similar to tarot cards but suggest areas for personal attention rather than self-direction, and when I opened the box there was a long, long, hair in there, which belonged to her. It was all sparkly with her red and gold highlights. I tied some love knots in it and set it free out by our peach tree, imagining that a beautiful bird might pick it up and weave it into her nest....

My light and love are always with you.

Jess is telling me that she loves where she is and I can trust that and "leave the rest to her." I go into a bit of how I wish I could have been more helpful, and she soothes me.

If we had all the answers....

I love how she talks about having all the answers and says that if we did have them there'd be no point in the adventure of living itself. "We are whole here," she says, "but on the earth plane we are not whole, we come with part of ourselves and parts awaken as we experience things. Emotion brings us awakening, both positive and negative. When we are happy we feel to do more of that. When we are sad we feel to head in other directions or to teach. To give others a hand up out of sadness or distress."

Then she says, "There is no failure Momma. There is no success. There is only experience and what it brings to the individual. And what we each decide to do with that knowledge. We are all okay. We are better than okay. We are eternally safe in ways you cannot know or imagine."

Rest your heart.

Very often in her teachings now, she says, "That is the way." I like that. "I am so big Momma, and so is each individual, don't worry about those things. Help when you are called if you want to, but control is not in any individual's hands. Only action that springs from the heart they embody. Each does their best according to their realization. That is the adventure."

Why must we suffer so?

I asked her "Must we live through hard times to reveal and discover love and safety?"

And she says, "Well, each person lives what teaches them best."

And when I ask, "Why must we suffer so?" she says, "We can and do express beauty and love Momma through all our adventures if that is what we're made of at the heart of the matter. Good and bad don't make a difference to the essential self. 'Seeing,' 'knowing,' the essential self, that's where the beauty lies."

"Do what makes your heart absolutely sing, all else will follow. That is the way."

Thank you my sweet big spirit beloved girl child for sharing your wisdom.

XO

Namaste

Upholding the Dream - Magic Mystery Roadtrip Revelations Part 8

The place of my heart. I didn't think there was one anymore.

So this post is what ties up all the others about this roadtrip. I promised I'd tell you what I bought and it's verrrry special, and has another story behind it too.

This is FOX BOX.

I collect boxes. I have for years. Beautiful boxes. And I put things inside them for my grandchildren, who are not yet a twinkle in the eyes of my children, but they're starting to glimmer. I want for my grandchildren to have things to explore, beautiful things that they can touch, little things in unexpected corners of my house that they can discover and play with. So I collect boxes.

But this one's special. It's for Rob and me.

When I bought it the price tag put spirals in my eyes and I almost didn't buy it. But I did. So I said to the sweet girl at the register that I thought it was expensive, but I wanted something special to commemorate this trip.

Here's what she said:

"When I finally graduated from college I bought a pair of shoes. Those shoes cost me over $300. But I'd earned them and I love them and I wear them and they're special. I'm the first of my family to go to college. I'm working on my master's degree, and after that I'll get my Ph.D. and I don't know if I can do it, but I'm sure gonna try. I'm taking online courses and I work on my studies mostly at night. And when I get my Ph.D.," she said,"I'm gonna buy another pair of $300 shoes."

I introduced her to my hubby, who has his Ph.D. and told her she could do it. They talked academic shop for a few minutes and he encouraged her. "You can do it," he said, and he meant it : )

"You should not feel guilty or that you're not worth this memento," she said to me. "Sometimes we have to feed our spirits."

She's a HAVE. She has a dream and she's working hard on it. She understands about feeding her spirit. It's something we don't do lightly. But we do it. However it suits us best as individuals. She's supportive of others who have dreams. You go girl!! AND she understands about being encouraging to other people. She didn't really know what she was telling me when she said don't feel guilty about buying the box.

So I decided to tell her why I chose this box over the Santa or the little ornament or any number of beautiful things available for purchase in those top-of-the-line giftshops at the Biltmore.

"We fell in love," I said. "When we came through the mountains and drove through the city of Asheville. Oh my god, we fell in love with the mists and the mountains and the thriving economy that's centered around tourism and ART and craft breweries and academia. It offers so much to each of the members of our family. We have decided to retire here, and this is my dream box. When we go home, we will put our dreams in here, and we will find ways to make them happen."

I didn't tell her that I'd thought my dreams were dead. That when my daughter died, my dreams died. That I'd always imagined we would retire out West, which we both adore, close to my daughter, and live near one of our children. That there would be someone near me who loves me in case my husband decides to go to Heaven before me. That I'd be near one of my children in my elder years. I thought I was safe. But all that got shot when sweet Jess died. My son lives in Argentina, South America, and we'd considered retirement there, but I can't order things on the internet and it doesn't have the infrastructure that I need for selling the artwork that I do. I'd love to live close to my son, but I haven't yet had a chance to bring my dreams to fruition, and I want that chance very much before I die. I can't do it there. I have to live my dreams, not my father's, not the obligation of responsibility as I've done for many years, but really live my dreams, even just for a little while. There are hundreds of galleries in Asheville. I want to be friends with all those people I saw walking the streets. They're adorable! I want to decorate them all with my beadwork, it would go so well with their outfits, which range from 1960s psychedelic to stately academic. La!

Asheville is very much like the place where we live now, but it's much more focused on the arts than sports. It's a tourist city, bringing over a million art-loving visitors every year. Peeps who love beautiful things and want to bring home mementos. We'd need several trips just to browse through the galleries! That makes my heart sing, as do our galleries and museums here, though there aren't as many. The weather is similar, with a bit more warmth and a slightly longer growing season. And it's surrounded by nature for miles, you can hike to your heart's content. We also love the number of learning institutions.

I NEVER expected to fall in love with anyplace on this planet other than the West Coast, but it happened. In the mountains, in the mists, in the beautiful city, along the highways and tiny roads of North Carolina. We have a NEW DREAM. Asheville. It'll take a decade or so, cause my husband's not ready to retire, but we're going to move there eventually. I'd live in a freakin' closet just to be in that beautiful place. It hums with life everywhere. It is not an economy in decline like many of the little towns we drove through in our 2200-mile trip. The Biltmore is the hub, like our university is in our present hometown, and so much has sprung up around it that it's absolutely thriving. There are so many things to do that don't cost a dime, and if you do want to spend a little bit there's tons more and you don't have to drive four hours to get to it. The people are very creative, positive, sweet, and just the kind of people I love to be around. My hubby too. There are several higher institutions of learning there if he chooses to "stay plugged in" after he retires. It's a craft brewers' hub too, in case my son might want to come back to the U.S. He sometimes says he might. And his wife is almost finished with her degree in international corporate law. That's portable, marketable anywhere. Come back, oh please come back and have my grandchildren here. But okay, if they don't we'll do summer visits and the children can go through my boxes, lol. xoxo

So Rob and I went into the kitchen after we arrived home and as we clinked our wineglasses and toasted to 2200 miles of adventure, tests, revelations, and pleasure, we put our hands to our mouths and blew our new dream into them, then sprinkled them into Fox Box.

Fox Box holds dreams and some special tokens to support them.

When I was sitting out on the loggia at Biltmore, I spied a marble that was just sitting there on the polished concrete. I picked it up. It was a gift. My grandfather loved marbles and had a wonderful collection, some of which I have, mixed in with my grandmother's buttons in a clear glass button jar. Hope, this little marble said, and play. Laugh, it said. Have fun. Live.

And I also picked up some gravelly rocks from our hotel in Asheville. I hope to bring them back when we move and put them in our yard. It may be several years, and I'm ever so happy to be here in State College doing what we do until then, but it's so very good to have a dream for our golden years, too. Especially when I thought my dreams were pretty well shot.

Rob drove us all over Asheville, through downtown, into little neighborhoods, through the surrounding mountains, and I was vibrating like nobody's business. Home.

Well, so there we are and here we are and next time we take a roadtrip we know where we're going! Back to Asheville!

But get this last leg of the journey, which really hits home the last revelation.

We stopped at a little place off the highway on the way home for lunch. The Choo Choo Cafe, in Erwin, Tennessee. "Are you up for it?" Rob asked. "Sure!" I said. He loves diners and out of the way places. So we took the exit into a tiny railroad town, crossing four sets of tracks to get to the Choo Choo Cafe.

I'll bet my last dime you've never eaten in a place like this. It's an antique store housed in a building that's over 100 years old, with a tin ceiling and tons of tiny trainset railroad villages set up, with all-year-round Christmas decorations and antiques for sale.

The Choo Choo Cafe

Let's eat in an antique store!

The Choo Choo Cafe is run by a woman and her husband who make home cooked food, German chocolate cake to die for, chicken salad, and other yummies, and this woman is very special. She's all about rejuvenating the town of Erwin, Tennessee, and their menu has foodstuff on the front, and history on the back. The story of the Cafe, the 100 year-old building, and fun facts to ponder.

I asked her about the elephants we'd seen driving in to this little town.

First little elephant we saw.

Here's her sweet little face.

Another little elephant we saw.

Okay, okay I'll put me in here, but that shirt is not all me,
even if I did eat Choo Choo's homemade chicken salad.

I know, right? You kinda want to put one of these in your yard or something.
Take it home with you. I definitely had to learn the story behind them. And wow, it's a winner.

So I asked the woman right before we left her lovely cafe what the significance of these elephants is. Here's what she said.

"There was an elephant named Mary who had a trainer that abused and mistreated her. One day when Mary was more interested in watermelon than performing her trainer let her know what he thought of that and she killed him. So the railroad, who owned Mary, decided she needed to be punished. They declared she needed to be put to death. So they looked all around for how to do this, they didn't have guns powerful enough to shoot her, and they decided to hang her."

Me: "Hang an elephant?!"

Sweet woman: "Yes. So they looked around for a place to do that and our little town of Erwin was the only one that had a crane strong enough to hold her. So they shipped her to us and hung her. But the chains that they used to do it broke, and she fell and broke her hip. She didn't die."

Hope sprang in my heart, soon to be dashed.

"They hung her again. And this time it worked and she went. So she's buried at the outskirts of town."

"The elephants you see," she said, "came about because we feel just awful about Mary's demise, and to make restoration, we thought we might ask artists to paint these elephants and auction them off one at a time. All the proceeds are going to be donated to the support of live elephants at the Knoxville Zoo, where they have a sanctuary."

And so went the tale of sweet Mary, the elephant who, despite adverse circumstances, continues to support her sister and brother elephants, through the heart of the townspeople of Erwin, Tennessee.

I know. It's a hard story to forget. Can't stop imagining the mound of elephant bones buried on the outskirts of Erwin. I'm glad it has a silver lining though, in the benefits created by the enchanting painted elephant auction.

And the thing is, here's the revelation behind this leg of our journey: Magic Mystery Roadtrip Revelation Number 12 - When one door closes, another opens, yes it does, even when you don't believe it's ever gonna be there. Keep the faith.... Don't give up.

I had not expected any kind of new dreams, just was staggering along amidst the devastation of my daughter's death, trying to rebuild, but I'd  - we'd discovered a brand spanking new clean page. Completely unexpected. A gift. Something to work towards.

Isn't it funny that the things we reject, the things we dread to do, sometimes bring us our greatest gifts?

When we arrived home after our roadtrip we realized it was our anniversary.

We didn't need a darn thing, but we bought flowers.

And we opened our cards, which sprang open sharing oodles of love.

Here's to all we do, together.

Namaste,
Jen

5 Big Spirits, Falling in Love, Finding a Dream - Magic Mystery Roadtrip Revelations Part 7 Continued 4

Men will be men, and sometimes it's best to just leave them to it.
This is an exquisite place for them to do that!
They did say that women were also welcome in these rooms.

Leather couches, pool tables, lots of gorgeous graphics.

Okay so a few of the graphics are a little randy.
But I say that's good and healthy. This one hangs behind the door so you don't see it
unless the door is closed, or unless you look, like I did : P

Country girls are randy, right?

I think this was in the gun room, which is fairly spartan.

It's not really an "entertainment" area. Just where they stored the hunting guns. 

The ceiling in the gun room is gorgeous glowy gold.

A place to sit with a cigar after a good morning/afternoon/evening of shooting.

The fireplace in the gun room is very simple compared to the rest in the house.

All done. Now we've been through the Biltmore together. Wasn't it just beeautiful?! I want to go back. I want annual passes.

Magic Mystery Roadtrip Revelation Number 11: Sometimes that very thing you dread, the thing you think you can't do, turns out to be a surprisingly inspirational thing if you have the courage to step past your barriers and do it.

If you're up for a good read, check out the Serafina books, which are set at the Biltmore. They're written for children ages 9-12 or so, but still fun. A very wise move on the part of the author. The books sell Biltmore tours, and the Biltmore sells the books. I bought my copies and read them about a year ago. You can look for "mystery" items in the house as you go through, such as secret panels, certain cats, owls, etc. Makes it a whole lot of fun.

They have worldclass top of the line shopping in their giftshops. The giftshops are located in the area where the stables used to be, so it's interesting to see how they converted the real estate, preserving some beautiful, interesting aspects of the architecture.

I saw the most beautiful nativity set I've ever seen in my life there - it's only about 850 bucks. No I didn't buy it! But it was great to take a photo! I asked first and they said it's allowed. I love the three kings the best.

The Nativity Set

I fell in love with this Santa because he's all naturey, plus he has an owl.
How cool is that? But I didn't buy him.

I bought something very special to remember our Biltmore visit. I'll show it to you in the next post and share the last story of the "HAVES," along with the new dream.