Chapter 19 The Healing Time

 

 Chapter 19 - THE HEALING TIME

ONE OF THE SIGNS THAT JESS WAS RECOVERING nicely while she was home with us for those four sacred months of healing was that her period returned. I was absolutely thrilled when she quietly let me know she needed some things to take care of it. After I got her all set up, I went down to the fridge we had in the basement and brought up the bottle of champagne left over from the holiday. We popped that cork and toasted to the wonderful recovery of her cycles.

Later, I called the women of my family. My mother. My sister. We all cried on the phone. Hope for Jessie’s healing truly had been ignited. Here’s the part where I invite you to laugh with us. As my daughter gained weight and strength and her menstrual cycles returned, her hormones also kicked in, making her feel the tides of life pushing and pulling. She came to me one day with a question that she whispered into my ear.

“Momma, do you think I can buy a vibrator? I left mine at home and I’m feeling a little sparky!” I knew she was going to be home for several more weeks, away from her boyfriend in Portland, so I thought, Absolutely! My heart was singing with this glorious sign of recovery so I said to her, “Hell YES!” So she went online and ordered again from the discreet site, her own personal vibrator guaranteed to come in a plain brown package just a few days hence.

I was glowing inside. When fertility returned to her ailing body, there was hope. It was A Good Sign of recovery.

So when the plain brown package arrived, she let me know, because inside the plain brown package was a NEON PINK box with lots of PICTURES on it that she didn’t know what to do with. Surreptitiously, she handed the NEON PINK box to me and I hid it under my shirt as I popped into the kitchen to cover it in paper towels and bury it waaaay down deep in the trashcan. This was PRIVATE stuff! 

Mission accomplished.

Then I arranged for Rob and I to walk the dogs and assured Jess that it would be a long, looooooong walk and she’d be home alone for a couple of hours. We walked and we walked and we walked some more, and finally we came home. Jess was smiling a Mona Lisa smile most of the evening and every now and then our eyes would connect and twinkle and our lips would press together in secret laughter. It was private, and the man of the house could not know.

We made a pact together. “When I die, my sweet Jess, would you please be the one to dispose of my vibrator? I keep it in the little drawer beside my bed.” “Of course, Momma, you can count on me,” she said. There are some secrets especially precious and sacred between mothers and daughters, and this was one of ours. It’s one of those things about a relationship that cannot be replaced in any other relationship and after Sweet Jess’s death, I keenly miss that sense of trust and the unique bond between us as women.

When I went to her beautiful home after she died, one of the things I did was go into her bedroom alone and put her sacred vibrators deep down into a big, black trash bag. There were two of them, the one she’d had for years, and the one she’d picked out just a few short months before. I cried. I cried for the beauty and pleasures of life, for the hope that had sprung in our hearts with the recovery of her fertility, and for the finality of the dissolution of her beautiful body.

I was ever so grateful for every single moment of pleasure in my beautiful, sweet Jess’s life. Every. Single. One.

I still have that champagne cork.

* * *

NOTE: This chapter might be considered by some as controversial and it's important to understand that my view of life includes all of it, without shame about the parts that are our inherent gifts as humans (sex). There are about four other chapters that weave in with this one and though each one has a different angle, they're central to the acceptance and celebration of who each individual is and to Jess's life story in particular and how it intertwines with mine. Apologies if you are feeling a little shy about it. Please know that one of the major points of my book is that love is much bigger and more wondrous that we've been taught and we can celebrate it as long as we're not hurting anyone else. You kind of have to read the whole book to really "get" this thread. I hope it doesn't seem exploitative out of context.

Chapter 82 Building New Traditions

 

Sneak peek inside 

COMING ALIVE AFTER DEATH 

by Jennifer Anne Berghage!

Chapter 82 - Building New Traditions

I HAVE LOTS OF RECOMMENDATIONS to share for coming alive after the death of our beloveds. Each one is a “when you’re ready” or “maybe never” choice that you can make. These new traditions and activities in my life have helped me along the precipitous path of recovery from what I surely thought I would never be able to survive.

After the death of my daughter, I fell into a place where the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects of myself were all in jeopardy, and either through serendipity or actual seeking, I discovered ways to help strengthen all four aspects.

Some of the following recommendations are more focused on particular aspects of Self, and others target more than one aspect at a time. Each can be customized to fit your particular needs; there is no set way to experience them. Some will appeal to you more than others, and some will appeal more at various periods of time in your life than others. For example, I had been given a very special journal to write in just after my sweet Jess passed, but it was months before I touched it. Some books I would pick up to read, and had to put them down until later, and others I stayed up all night to read. Let’s start with the very basic basics of comfort.

• Brush Your Hair Therapy

Many times when I could not sleep and was feeling anxiety and anguish, I would sit at my desk in my studio and brush my hair one hundred, sometimes 200 strokes. Doesn’t matter if your hair is short or long, just brush and brush and brush. It is very soothing. If you have a partner or significant other, children, (or even beloved pets) you can brush their hair for a good long time, and it is one of the most relaxing things you can do. Or they can brush your hair for you. Let them know what feels good, too soft, too hard, make sure they’re brushing the scalp, not just the ends, since this brings the blood circulating just where it helps the most. And your hair will benefit by being all nice and shiny from the distribution of its natural oils. This very basic activity can help to calm those feelings of anxiety and anguish late at night when you can’t sleep. Brush your hair. It’s love.

If you don’t have hair on your head, you can perform massage, with or without oil, it works the same way to soothe and calm anxious emotions.

• Two Pairs of Socks Therapy

This one is very simple and affordable. When my daughter died, it was January, so very cold. One day I put on a pair of socks and they just weren’t keeping my feet warm, so I pulled out another pair of really thick, fluffy socks with red and white stripes on them. I call them my Dr. Seuss socks. I pulled them on right over the thin socks I was already wearing. When I put my feet down to touch the floor they felt softly cushioned and somehow protected, which lent me more comfort than I’d have imagined possible. I padded around in double socks for many days, loving the comfort of it. Sounds silly, but try it. Believe it or not, fluffy socks make an excellent present for someone who is deeply grieving. I know others who like to sleep in thick fluffy socks for the comfort they bring.

• Velvet Pillow Therapy

When we’re in shock, which many bereaved people feel for several months after the death of a beloved, our sense of safety and security is severely compromised. I found that I felt sort of numb a lot of the time, and at other times, I felt raw and exposed, (especially after dealing with others or out in the world doing things) so I was protective of myself. In between the tasks I absolutely had to complete, I would hunker down in a place where I felt safe, either my little couch in my studio or in my bed at night. I happened to own a couple of velvet pillows. When I found myself alone at night sitting on my little couch or reclining in my bed, I discovered that stroking these velvet pillows brought me a sense of comfort. The pillows were so soft and they required nothing back. They just soothed me and even this tiny type of soothing helped. I knew I could look forward to my safe place of simple softness while I was out doing what I thought I could not do, and I carried the knowledge of my haven and these tiny soothing feelings with me while I had to be away from my safe place. I know it seems very basic, but an excellent present for someone who is deeply grieving is a true velvet pillow or blanket.

* * *

COMING SOON from MindStir Publications!

There are pages and pages and pages more, of new traditions in my book that I find both helpful and loving as we navigate the journey of grief.

Sneak Peek Into Coming Alive After Death!

 It's been awhile since I've posted and that's because I've been busy! For you! I will post the beautiful cover of my book below, PLUS the Table of Contents. 

PLEASE let me know which chapter(s) you are most interested in reading as I can post one or two here to get you started. They're all special and I'm happy to share some prior to publication xo 

You might be most interested in PART THREE - HEALING, as that's where a lot of good tools are. In the beginning of our story, you fall in love with Sweet Jess and maybe me, and if you're going through this journey of grief you will nod your head, thinking, Yep, I know that, I've felt that. In the next section you will feel the turning of the tide, where we begin to understand healing and how that comes about, plus some of the challenges we may face as we traverse the precipitous pathways of grief. In the third section there are wonderful tools and ceremonies and things you can do as you reach out into love and light and life, and the fourth section shares links and resources. My heart is with you XO

Please excuse the spacing as I'm pulling material over from my publisher's file and only have so much control over how it looks on here. 

Coming Alive After Death

Coming Alive After Death

Copyright © 2021 by Jennifer Anne Berghage. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. For more information, e-mail all inquiries to info@mindstirmedia.com.

DISCLAIMER

This book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique or exercise as a form of treatment for emotional or medical problems without the advice of a licensed physician. This book is intended for your emotional and spiritual quest for understanding, meaning, purpose, hope, love, and joy. In the event that you use any of the information in this book for yourself or with others, the author assumes no responsibility for your actions or results.

Published by Mindstir Media, LLC
45 Lafayette Rd | Suite 181| North Hampton, NH 03862 | USA 1.800.767.0531 | www.mindstirmedia.com

Printed in the United States of America ISBN-13: XXX-X-XXXXXXX-X-X

Coming Alive After

Death

Recovery from Grief

JENNIFER ANNE BERGHAGE ABOUT THE AUTHOR

JENNIFER ANNE BERGHAGE spent sixteen years as a credentialed professional editor (Graduate School, USA) and instructional designer (UWISC, Madison) with The Pennsylvania State University, which prepared her well for authorship of her own works. Life, colorful life, prepared her to have something to write about. She never imagined it would be this. We write what we know. Jen knows intimately the journey of the death of a dearly, dearly, beloved and how to navigate it such that we can go through the fire and come out the other side, not unscathed, not without scars, but with life and love in our hearts. In Coming Alive After Death she shares resources, exercises, and strengths we can tap as we continue here after the transition of our beloveds.

v DEDICATION

I dedicate this book to all souls brave enough to love greatly. Namaste.

IF THIS BOOK HAS DRAWN YOUR INTEREST, imagine that I am standing next to you and holding your hand. You, or someone you love, are grieving the loss of a dearly, truly beloved. When this happened to me upon the death of my sweet, 26-year-old daughter, I found myself in a very dark place. Climbing out of this darkness and back into light, love, laughter, and pleasure felt not only wrong, but absolutely impossible.

I learned to walk through the fire and out the other side, because I am a beloved child of the Universe. True life and happiness belong to me for all the days and nights I am here on Earth. They also belong to me beyond this Earth life. And to you, Beloved, as well as to our beloveds.

It is possible to go through life, and many people do, experiencing the deaths of people and animals we care very much about without being brought to our knees. I had, by the age of 56, when my beautiful daughter died, experienced the death of about 40 gorgeous people that I cared very much about, and many animals too. I never, with any of these, felt like I did when my daughter died. So have no fear, if you

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Coming Alive After Death

have not experienced the level of grief that I describe in our story, you might never experience it, and you need not worry that this or that may happen to you. I write and share the depths of it so that if you do find yourself in this dark place you know that you can come out the other side. If you aren’t experiencing it, but you love someone who is, you may gain some insight in the healing and resource sections of this book as to how to help them through it.

The most important thing that I have found is that there IS life after death, both for me and for my sweet daughter. I hold her in my heart, as I am holding you, Beloved. Keep going. Breathe deeply. Love greatly without reservation. All is well.

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

PART ONE - Love and Death

Unintentional Thoughts—Shock and Trauma

Chapter 1 - Doorbell Day...............................................................3 

Chapter 2 - Superstitions and Crossing the Line .............................8 

Chapter 3 - Getting Through the Dark Times ..............................13 

Chapter 4 - Flashbacks ................................................................. 17 

Chapter 5 - Bringing Her Back.....................................................19 

Chapter 6 - Loving Her ................................................................ 21 

Chapter 7 - Undies and Laundry ..................................................24 

Chapter 8 - Magical George.......................................................... 27 

Chapter 9 - George and the Mystery Key......................................30 

Chapter 10 - Wheelchair Etiquette ...............................................34 

Chapter 11 - Mardi Gras Blessings................................................ 37 

Chapter 12 - Wee Hour Interlude.................................................39 

Chapter 13 - Negotiating Handicap Bathrooms............................42 

Chapter 14 - Cruel Universe.........................................................44 

Chapter 15 - Divine Connections.................................................46

Chapter 16 - Becoming Cinderella ............................................... 51

Chapter 17 - Young Love..............................................................57

Chapter 18 - Guidance.................................................................62

Chapter 19 - The Healing Time.................................................... 65

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Chapter 20 - Inheriting Freedom..................................................68 

Chapter 21 - Giggles .................................................................... 71 

Chapter 22 - The Forbidden ........................................................73 

Chapter 23 - Stolen Comforts ......................................................76 

Chapter 24 - Violation ................................................................82 

Chapter 25 - The Fight................................................................. 87 

Chapter 26 - Swansong Recovery..................................................95 

Chapter 27 - Ceremony................................................................ 97 

Chapter 28 - Packing Up..............................................................99 

Chapter 29 - Black Jack..............................................................103 

Chapter 30 - Special Delivery ..................................................... 107 

Chapter 31 - Being Apart ...........................................................110 

Chapter 32 - Bus Angels.............................................................115

 Chapter 33 - New Year’s Eve.......................................................118 

Chapter 34 - Mystery .................................................................120 

Chapter 35 - Loving Through Anger ..........................................123 

Chapter 36 - The Cremation ...................................................... 125 

Chapter 37 - The Hike ............................................................... 128

Chapter 38 - Tsunami Week ....................................................... 135 

Chapter 39 - Alice in Wonderland ..............................................140

Chapter 40 - History..................................................................143 

Chapter 41 - Collecting Ashes .................................................... 146 

Chapter 42 - Going Back Home ................................................ 151 

Chapter 43 - Scattering Ashes.....................................................153 

Chapter 44 - Winding Up ..........................................................160

x

PART TWO - Coming Alive

Intentional Thoughts—Acceptance and Recognition

Chapter 45 - Hard Work ............................................................ 167

Chapter 46 - 450 Days of Crying ...............................................169 

Chapter 47 - Sleeping, Waking...................................................173 

Chapter 48 - Wine and Ativan....................................................176 

Chapter 49 - Food......................................................................179

Chapter 50 - Metamorphosis ...................................................... 181 

Chapter 51 - Blended Families....................................................185 

Chapter 52 - He Said She Said ...................................................188 

Chapter 53 - Full Stop. Holiday Time ........................................ 197 

Chapter 54 - Acupuncture for Relief of Grief..............................202 

Chapter 55 - The First Year ........................................................208 

Chapter 56 - Unintentional Thinking vs. Intentional Thinking ...213 

Chapter 57 - What is Love? ........................................................219

Chapter 58 - The Boy and His Gift ............................................ 221 

Chapter 59 - The Big Separation ................................................ 231 

Chapter 60 - What is Mourning?................................................234 

Chapter 61 - Helplessness...........................................................238 

Chapter 62 - Meltdowns.............................................................245 

Chapter 63 - Working or Not, Priorities ..................................... 253 

Chapter 64 - Blame, Judgment, Difficult Relationships ..............259 

Chapter 65 - Forgiveness ............................................................264

Chapter 66 - Emotions...............................................................266 

Chapter 67 - Suicidal Ideation....................................................273

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Chapter 68 - Spiritual Contracts.................................................279 

Chapter 69 - Empowerment Through Meditation ...................... 296 

Chapter 70 - The Purpose of Life ...............................................303 

Chapter 71 - What is Consciousness? .........................................306 

Chapter 72 - The Purpose of Death............................................308 

Chapter 73 - The Purpose of Religion.........................................312 

Chapter 74 - Our Celestial Gifts.................................................316 

Chapter 75 - WOO—What Otherworlds Offer .........................334 

Chapter 76 - Signs—Ask and We Shall Receive .......................... 345 

Chapter 77 - Akasha...................................................................350 

Chapter 78 - Being (Be-In) Ourselves ......................................... 357 

Chapter 79 - Freedom ................................................................359 

Chapter 80 - The Question of Our Own Death..........................362 

PART THREE - Healing

Counting All Blessings—Gratitude and Peace

Chapter 81 - What Not to Do, What to Do ............................... 377 

Chapter 82 - Building New Traditions........................................386

Brush Your Hair Therapy ............. 387 

Two Pairs of Socks Therapy .......... 387 

Velvet Pillow Therapy................... 388 

Teddy Bear Therapy ..................... 389 

Paint Your Nails Therapy.............. 390 

Candles and Tealights...................390 

Fragrance Therapy........................391 

Plant Therapy...............................392 

Music Therapy ............................. 396 

YouTube Therapy ......................... 398 

Pinterest Visual Therapy............... 399 

Animal Therapy ........................... 399

xii

Professional Therapy .................... 402 

Grief Groups ................................ 404 

Life Coaches.................................407 

Acupuncture ................................ 408 

Reiki ............................................ 408

Yoga ............................................. 409

Massage ........................................ 410

Tarot Cards and Oracle Cards ...... 411

Meditation ................................... 412

Fireside Release and Embrace Ceremony......................421 

Art ............................................... 422

Learning Something New.............427

Looking for the Good .................. 429

Cultivating Brand New Friendships .........................430

Nature and Gardening..................433

Sleeping........................................ 436

Dreaming ..................................... 437

Honoring ..................................... 445

Relaxation - Grief Breaks, Mindfulness ................................. 44

Ritual, Ceremony, and Tradition .. 446

Being Silly....................................447

Countering Pain with Pleasure ..... 448

Laughter....................................... 451

Picnics .......................................... 453

Cooking—Food that Comforts .... 45

Water: Baths, Lakes, Rivers, Ocean, Pools, Waterfalls, Hot Springs ...... 454 

Volunteer Work............................456

Children and/or Elders.................456

Gold Star—Connection with Our Beloved.........................457

Funeral Letter...............................458

Chapter 83 - Why build new traditions? Spiritual Agreements....460 

Chapter 84 - The Dragon...........................................................462

Chapter 85 - The Charts ............................................................464

Chapter 86 - What to Trust .......................................................468

Chapter 87 - Past Life Regression ...............................................469

Chapter 88 - Letters to Your Future Selves..................................480

Chapter 89 - Arms Wide Open ..................................................483

xiii

PART FOUR - Resources

Favorite People ...........................................................................489

Favorite Publications ..................................................................493

Favorite WOO Tools ..................................................................496

Favorite Internet Resources.........................................................499 

Favorite Music Artists.................................................................502

Happy Things To Do..................................................................503 

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS ......................................................... 505

All the loves coming your way! Contact me at comingaliveafterdeath@gmail.com if you'd like to talk privately by email.