Friday, April 27, 2018

My Favorite Thing

This is my favorite thing right now.
Did you ever see such a thing? No, I hadn't either, when I came upon this little bird wearing a huge crown, in the clock store in Millheim. It so delighted me that I kept coming back to it, and not only did I buy one for myself; I also bought one for a good friend.


Because it brings to mind the saying "only the meek shall inherit the Earth," - and though I don't subscribe to any religion, being quite spiritually based, I do carry in my heart some of the golden threads that weave through all the religions.

This little bird delights me because it does not know it's wearing a crown. It is a "common" bird, and doesn't even know it's royalty. It walks softly upon the earth, taking only what is needed, and sings the trees awake in spring, and me awake in the morning. It has lots and lots of friends.

It has no ego. And that is the very reason why it is crowned and can wear the crown gracefully, absolutely born to it.

It knows nothing of power. Only of belonging. Sharing. Flying high into the sky, into the forest and among the sun dappled branches of the trees. It mates for life.

It is royalty itself. So humble and so beautiful!  So I brought it home simply because it delights me to think of these things.

I have a fairly big desk and I like to put things on it that inspire me. So this is where my little sparrow lives, among candles and tiny oil lamps and a Cirque du Soleil doll who is standing on a golden ball. Cirque employs the biggest of the best human beings on this planet, and I just love their shows. The music is always excellent and the things they can do with their bodies are just jaw-droppingly amazing. Plus the organization itself does marvelous things for the planet and the well-being of the people. Best show on Earth besides Brazilian Rhapsody.

I think it's fun to figure out why I buy some things, especially in this era of not glomming up the planet with junk. I love to support artists, and I do not know who designed this little bird, but I wish them a good day every day for the joy they've brought me.

My little, humble, royal sparrow. The thing I love best is he has no idea how truly great he is. Nice.


Monday, April 16, 2018

Sure Signs From Heaven

Jess and me together xo
I've been doing a lot of research and work to finish my book, our book, Coming Alive After Death and sweet Jess has been very close. Not only because of this research and work, but also because it is our birthday month. I'm April 5th and her Earth birthday was April 29th. So she comes close to me during this time of year, and it's absolutely delightful.

Yes, I found a dime, and a penny, yes, I've had birds doing all kinds of things, like for example, right on my birthday I was home alone while my husband was at work, and as I walked through my kitchen I looked out the window. I saw two beautiful doves and not only were they cooing their lovely coos, but they were flirting with each other, doing the major mating dance. I stood stock still in my kitchen watching birth happen, wow!

Yes, beautiful spring has arrived with its rains and winds and birds making love. The doves puffed themselves up and the female spread her wings out and turned her back on the male, who promptly fluffed his chest feathers up and danced all around her, pecking at his chest to make it fluff out even more.

Downloaded from
Finally he mounted her and they made little baby doves fresh from Heaven which will arrive in just a few weeks! Now it's nest building time. I felt that Jess had guided me to be in just the right place and time to witness this beautiful event for my birthday present this year, and how can you beat that? Baby doves coming! Baby doves coming! Yay!

Well right up next to it is a dozen long-stemmed, fat, fluffy, fragrant red roses from my son and his wife, that I sniffed several times every day for all the days they were happy being with us. Gorgeous roses! Gorgeous doves!

Beautiful roses from my son and his wife xoxo
But that is not all of the story about signs from Heaven and love. Rob and I went out to our car to run some errands on this day, and we had the most delightful, mysterious experience. We each have key fobs that have buttons on them to open the door locks, to open the trunk of the car, and to set off an alarm. He punched the button to unlock the doors. What happened was that not only did the doors unlock, but as we opened them and climbed inside the car, all the windows went down about half an inch, AND the sunroof opened about half an inch too!

There's no way to control the windows from the key fob, and certainly no way to open the sun roof except for the button up near the top of the windshield once you're inside the car. But all these opened on this day while we had our hands on the front doors of the car and were just climbing in. It was like sweet Jess was saying, "I'm with you and I'm all in. Let's go!"

Rob and I looked at each other, he had a funny smile on his face and was feeling sort of puzzled and I just said "Hi sweet Jess!" and felt totally delighted. I know that because of their higher vibration, spirits can play with electricity rather easily, and it's one of the signs they use to let us know they're well and happy and with us in happiness, love, and light.

Yes, our Lovies do send us signs that they're well and happy and very much with us and they want us to be happy too.

She's also popped several light bulbs this week. Stock up on lightbulbs, peeps who have Lovies in Heaven!


Saturday, April 7, 2018

What does your Celestial child say to you on your birthday?

Making a wish, which I think will come true xo
Jess and I shared the same birthday month. Mine is April 5th, yes I'm an Aries all the way, and hers was April 29th, a Taurus all the way. The first year after she died I had zero interest in celebrating anything, much less my birthday. My family was kind and gave me gifts and phone calls, but I was totally out of it emotionally, mostly still in shock and trauma. The second year I was deeply grieving and searching for ways to try to celebrate life but still under the darkness of death.

Now we're into the beginning of the fourth year, and I feel a connection with Jess which brings great relief, love, a feeling of non-separation which feels good. I didn't really work hard to find this, mostly it found me, and I'm totally open to it because it brings beautiful laughter, joy, peace, and that sense that all is well.

I still miss her, especially this month, because it is not only my birthday month, but hers, and I used to love sending her presents, talking with her on the phone, and just our physical connections. So of course it is natural that I would write to her in our special journal. 

Our special journal #2, cover design by Stephanie Law
I never know what I'm going to get when I decide to connect with Jess, and tonight I wasn't sure if she'd have any interest or anything to say. But as always, I was so pleasantly surprised. What a gift.

As always, if you'd like to read the letter, click on the images to enlarge them.
I lit a tealight candle in the special turquoise mosaic holder that Jess knows is hers. I turned down the lights. I put the man and pups to bed, fed the cat, and poured a glass of iced wine. Sat down and said my prayer of blessings and protection, then started drawing the little spirals Desiree taught me to do to calm myself. The technical explanation of what these drawings do is that they quiet the mind so that when you're focused on drawing (anything simple - doodles), your mind becomes able to receive messages from your Lovies who've passed on to higher vibrational worlds. They can't get through if your mind is a boggle of thoughts or grieving, so the drawing, like music, dancing, or sleep puts you into a receptive mode.

I could already hear her talking to me in the kitchen while I was getting the ice, which I'd done for us while she was here in life. She was saying she was aware and all there for my birthday and I felt her love and excitement for me. I'd been feeling her close for a few days - found a penny heads up - and you know they send you pennies from Heaven. I have a whole collection just from her. 

I told her thank you for the beautiful butterfly cloud she sent and she acknowledged that yes, she had sent it to me and that clouds are easy for spirits to send messages through. She was glad I had gone outside at that time so I could see it. I was too! It is meaningful for us, the butterfly, because when she was sick and I was taking care of her I helped her with her showers. After she died, I redid the bathroom and put up a new shower curtain that is covered with beautiful butterflies, to represent her metamorphosis into her new/ancient Self. The butterflies represented her Celestial birth. So she knows that butterflies are special between us, and that is how I knew the cloud was from her.

Heck of a lovely butterfly, eh?
What's really interesting about the butterfly photo is that it had been a cloudy sort of day and we just got a little bit of golden sunshine right at sunset. If you've read my earlier posts, you know that's a meaningful time of day for Jess and me. So when I went outside I was drawn by that little bit of sun and wanted to soak it up, and when I aimed my camera I thought I was focusing on the tips of my favorite trees. While I saw the clouds the thought in my mind was that it was curious there were two such different types - the fluffy spreading out ones (butterfly wings) and the heavy, dense slash (butterfly body). I didn't have any idea of what photos I would choose to go with this letter, but I figured since it was about my birthday I'd look in that folder of the pics I took on that day. When I look through photos to choose some for the blog, I generally select all the photos and open them so I can see all the images larger, one by one. It was then that I suddenly noticed the clear as a bell butterfly shape, and realized it was her gift to me. It even has a bit of rainbow color from the setting sun. Happy birthday Momma!

I wrote to her about some of the things she'd given me over the years, which bring me joy, and she said she tried to choose carefully so that they would bring me happiness, which of course, they do. And I mentioned to her that I missed the texts and conversations we'd had on the phone, because I lost them when I got my new phone, which, at the time felt devastating. So she says to me, "Well Momma, all our texts and conversations exist in eternity and if you want to experience them again you just need to re-member."

Ripples of Loooooove
She says "They are singing with love as they always have." I said "Thank you for that reminder - I sure did enjoy them." And she says, "Me too Momma." Then she drew me a little picture of hearts radiating and said, "That's our love radiating out throughout worlds Momma! Isn't it pretty?!"

 "Yes, it sure is gorgeous," I said. So she says "That's what everyone can do, make love ripples that go out and keep going and going. It's like food for people's souls." So sweet. So I said, "Oh I love that! Probably why I enjoy lots of the magical Facebook posts I encounter and love to share, food for the soul." 

"Yes, Momma, you are just learning how to turn to that for nourishment - to choose what makes you happy and it's very good for you, like medicine. Keep doing that lots more." 

"Don't fear anything. Just bask in the light. All is as it should be," she says.

Build anything you want!
So I tell her about some physical challenges I'm facing and she says, "Momma, you can build anything you want to, you just have to have the true desire to see it come to fruition. You will choose what you wish to experience. Trust that."

I told her I thought that was a loaded statement. She said, "Yeah, how about that - power! Just let your heart and mind see and feel the possibilities - there are a lot of them. You're running your show - even though most people don't really know that about themselves." 

She was in a very encouraging mode, which is pretty much how she always is from the Celestial worlds, and she said "Yes, celebrate Momma, we had a good time, and it will always be. Be happy. Truly, deeply happy. It is such a good feeling to be filled up by the love we have." And she drew me a bunch of little hearts and the feeling that I get when looking at them is somewhat of the flutter of butterflies and somewhat of their emanating across whole expanses of space and time.

Spiritual practice!

We are not taught to practice our spiritual capacities. But in learning to do this, I've experienced amazing results. From bending spoons to having spiritual conversations with those I've had difficulties with smooth out like silk. She encourages me to flex my spiritual muscles more. And it's so cute cause she's so in "Jessie" mode. "RRRrrrr," she says. That's so Jess. "It's excellent for you, and others too," she says. "You are on your pathway, doesn't it feel good, Momma?" 

Yes. It does. Not that I haven't always been on my spiritual pathway. Everything I've ever experienced has helped me become who I am, so my feet have not been too far astray. But she's talking about doing this consciously. Directing it. Receiving guidance. Welcoming and embracing that through meditation and personal connection. That makes life "conscious." And it makes a big difference in both happiness and results.

"Use it." she says. Oh I am! "Follow the happies Momma. That is the way. It will take you to the places of your heart," she says. 


The cutest thing of all xo
And the cutest thing of all that she said tonight was "I am right here Momma. Touch your finger to your heart, that's my doorbell."

Yeah, I know. Adorables. 

"Welp, happy birthday Momma, and many more as you wish. I am with you, loving you and celebrating you." 

Thank you sweet Sparklepuff for your connection. You are most precious! And I love you forever and a day.


Thursday, March 29, 2018

Bending Spoons, Being ONE

Yep, we can do this.
So I am reading an author that I have loved for a number of years, Martha Beck. I first fell in love with her when I read Expecting Adam, the beautiful book she wrote that launched her career. She was a student at Harvard and she became pregnant. The doctors could tell from tests that her baby would be born with Down Syndrome. Many of her professors told her to abort the child. She could not. Many magical things began to happen to Martha while Adam grew in her womb.

They continued after he was born. Adam brought many gifts. I am so, so glad Martha listened to her heart and not those professors. And I am certain she is also glad. And beautiful Adam too.

Her career blossomed as a result of that first book, and over the years she became one of the most respected "life coaches" of today, though that was not her original "Plan A" for life. Her methods of teaching get us to think, or actually maybe a better way to put it might be not to think, but to feel, to intuit, to connect with the whole, to allow ourselves to be part of the magnificent force of energy we know as the Creator of Life, Love itself; they invite us to partake of gifts that are inherent to our simply being born here in this very special place and time. She introduces us to these gifts that have mostly been hidden from us for many centuries, especially in the Western world.

In her book, Finding Your Way in a Wild New World, she has many off-the-wall exercises we can practice, such as spoon-bending. Yes, just like those strange people we sometimes see on television or YouTube - those who can bend metal with their minds and very little else.

She has studied many things, which include physics and the sciences. She blends her scientific knowledge with spirituality and takes it all many steps further. She encourages us to do the same.

So in the course of reading this book and doing the exercises I came to the one where she teaches that we are all connected and we are all energy. Matter is made of energy, thus also connected and part of us. One of the exercises she invites us to participate in, in order for us to learn what it feels like to connect and feel a part of the whole is spoon bending. Yes. Bending spoons.

So after reading about her experiences with it and learning how it is done, I followed her suggestion and went into my kitchen to pick out a spoon to bend.

I brought it with me into my studio and tried bending it. It is made of stainless steel. It did not bend. I laid it down upon my desk and every so often throughout a succession of days, I would pick it up and "connect," asking it to bend for me, which it did not. I had purchased some very thin stainless steel headpins for my jewelry making which were, by accident, too thick to bend, even with my hand tools, and this spoon is much, much thicker than those.

It should feel like butter in your hands, she said. There will be no resistance, she said. When you are one with all that surrounds you, you can ask, and if there is no harm, your request will be granted. I'm paraphrasing here. The point is that we have to ask. And there must be purpose behind our asking.

My purpose in wanting to bend my spoon was only to learn that it is possible. That is all. I felt that if I were shown that it is possible for me to know that I'm connected to the whole and there is no separation of energies then it would provide me with trust in the whole process and beauty of life. In what is possible. In the basis of love and connection as the whole foundation.

I picked up my spoon many times over a period of days. I tried to bend it. I pushed quite hard with both hands. I asked with my mind. I tried to be pals with the spoon, but nothing happened. It stayed straight as the day it was made. I even pushed both backwards and forwards with no result.

Tonight I went into my bedroom where my puppy was sleeping and this is the puppy of my heart. I fell in love with him the moment I met him and he has made my heart sing ever since. I curled up with him on the bed and pet him for a while and he made my heart all warm and fuzzy.

Came into my studio and picked up my spoon and my heart was still filled with love and warm fuzzies and suddenly my spoon melted into the shape you see in the photograph. Yes, I was holding it in my hands, but I did not use any force at all, was only aware of a yielding. When I became aware of the yielding the spoon was sort of "emanating" to me, I pushed my hands together and woosh, it bent like hot butter.

Holy shit.

It seems that at that moment my heart was filled with love, and I was still radiating love when I picked up my spoon; it could feel that and wanted to be a part of it, so it just melted in my hands.

Wow. I'm still a little perplexed, but my heart is filled with love for the possibilities of what this really means. It means I AM a part of the whole. The whole is both bigger and smaller than I've been taught. I can work within the whole for the benefit of all - as she teaches us with her other exercises and "metaphors," which involve dropping into what she calls Wordlessness, becoming connected in Oneness, using Imagination, and Forming amazing things in the real world based upon these "skills."

Over the days that I picked up my spoon and put it back down after it would not bend, I did not believe it ever would. I thought well, this exercise is for others. I kept the door slightly open because my heart wants to believe, but I wanted the proof of the spoon.

Now I know that it did bend. The spoon is my signpost that says keep going, this is fun! It says there are no barriers, we all belong (because I am very ordinary and if I can do it so can many others). It says Martha's a helluva coach. It says there's hope! It says there's a whole different way of interacting and working in and with this reality we find ourselves in! Try it. Don't just listen to me. Read the book and play with it. You just might be amazed. And don't give up if you try to bend your spoon and it doesn't work the first time. That is what really makes you go wow when it does bend like hot butter.

I have to add that I was so thrilled with my bent spoon that I did my happy dance over to my husband and stood in front of him holding it in my hands to show him. He got a funny look on his face, eyes twinkling, mouth smiling, he looked at the spoon and then looked at me and he said, "You ruined our spoon!" This cracks me up. He wasn't angry in any way. He's a scientist. He looks at the world in a very creative but practical way. And I thought it was hilarious that I was practically flying with the possibilities and meaning behind this little exercise and his first reaction was about the condition of the spoon and its apparently jeopardized usefulness. I explained the exercise to him and declared he'd enjoy reading the book, but he leans towards action thrillers if he does find the time to read.... I love him dearly because he encourages me to be myself, never correcting or discouraging me, and he's quite comfortable being himself. All good. I promised him I wouldn't bend our other spoons. That's what Martha did when she discovered she could do this. She bent every spoon in her kitchen! I'm sure they'll also bend back into shape, but I'm keeping mine as is.

Martha Beck. Highly recommended reading, and practice - she's written many books and has lots of videos available on YouTube. She's a very special woman - big spirit in action right here with us now, aren't we lucky?! She's also very funny. I laugh a lot reading her material, and sometimes I cry too.

Well spoon bending is awfully fun - give it a try after reading her material. Thank you, so much, Martha Beck, for the work that you do. We are growing.


Wednesday, March 14, 2018

The In-Between Time

Sweet Doves, the birds of Love
So I've been sitting vigil for some of my Lovies who have transitioned to our Celestial home over the past few weeks and days. Rob's Dad is in our Celestial home now. My sweet friend and colleague Amy is in our Celestial home now. My sister's son's wife's mother is in our Celestial home now. My husband's father's sister's son is in our Celestial home now. Ah, so many exits. We celebrate their beautiful lives with love.

Sweet Incense
I light incense on the porch outside and a candle or two in my studio for them. My candles are like winks or nods that I know they can see and feel. I fill up the birdfeeders outside and somehow feel a connection and communication through the sky-fliers. They come in flocks, or couples - the cardinals and blue jays who've been procreating in our backyard for some 12 years now. The hawk who sits in the tree across the street that I can see outside the windows of my studio. The crows who caw in the evenings and the doves who coo in the mornings.

Lovely Cardinals, Spirit's Herald
I feel my daughter close, who has been living in our Celestial home for going on four years now. She strokes my hair and makes my head tingle sometimes in the quiet of the night when I'm doing artwork or beadwork or writing. When she was here in life and she was little, she would stand at my elbow while I was working, and I would explain to her what I was creating. It is like that when she strokes my hair.

She also played again with the TV tonight to let me know she was here, or maybe it was sweet Amy checking in. I had had the TV on for the evening, and was at my desk winding up a few details on the editing project I'm working on. When I finished, I turned to go over and sit on the little leather couch in my studio, and I realized the TV had half turned itself off. "Hello," I said. I wasn't sure if it was Jess or Amy visiting but I knew it was Spirit cause one of the first things they learn to do because they are full-on vibration is to play with other full-on vibration here, and electricity is that.

I blew a kiss and air-talked with whatever Spirit was visiting, asking for my TV operations to be restored since it is my comfort. I worked with the remote control pushing various buttons - the "all power" button vs. the "on/off" button. It took its time responding, but respond it did after about five minutes. "Thank you," I said.

"I bet you're loving it," I said in case it was Amy. "You're still you, but bigger, and you have no pain!" I said. "And you can slip in and beam your love to your family!" I said. "I know, I know," I said. From the bottom of my heart, I know.

We all have our angels xo

They have zero judgment and they beam love and encouragement to us all the time. They feel so very relieved of the weight and machinations of the Earthly world. It's meant to be a good, sweet world, but at the moment it's in the control of some really unawakened, dare I call them, people. I want to call them barbaric animals, but no, I will not say it out loud.

I thought of what my friends who had lost children to death said to me, "It's a long road, but you'll make it," as I remembered the beautiful, heartfelt post Amy's daughter posted - my Mom was a strong woman and she raised me to be that way too. I will carry on and live my life to the fullest, because that's what she taught me, gave me. I'm paraphrasing here.

Tree of Life 

And I thought, I said the same things when Jess made her transition - I felt strong in those first days. But it is a long road with lots of ups and downs. And I wanted to tell Amy's family - cry when you need to right out loud. Those tears are healing for your body and mind and soul. And laugh. Laugh whenever you have the opportunity and it sneaks up on you, most likely brought on first by a loving, sweet animal, or perhaps another family member or friend. See the beauty in the passing of each moment and grab what sunshine there is. Your heart may feel heavy sometimes. Put on two pairs of fluffy socks and wrap up in a soft bathrobe and curl up under a blanket when you need to, with that sweet animal or a fresh-from-heaven baby human. Hug a lot. Sleep with a soft, fluffy teddy bear to shield your wounded chest from the pain. Pull out hankies when you need them and walk tall in the world in-between these times, doing what it is you care most about.

The sun will come out. It will come out now, but not in the brilliance that it will come out later. Ride the waves of emotion and know that they will pass. Be ever so grateful that you had someone to love so much - some people do not have that in their lives. Know that your mother, daughter, wife, sister, aunt, is not missing, like some others who never find closure to a life so well-lived. Know that she did not pass through violence, but surrounded by the tender, loving care of her family. Blessings. So many blessings. Hold them dear. I think her beautiful spirit orchestrated this. It was her journey and what a beautiful journey it has been.

The sun will come out....
Know that you will be reunited. Yes, go on and live your life to the fullest, not out of fear, but out of love. Love for the life she gave you, love for the love she poured into everyone and everything she touched. She was an inspirational spirit. So very special.

This is the in-between time. For her in her Celestial world, she is now like the facets of a diamond - all of her lives, all of her whole Self, even bigger than she was when she was here with us. She will come to you when invited with a peaceful heart. She is living, more vibrant than we can even imagine. Loving, with a love so deep and profound that we can only imagine it. Feel her all around you, by invitation. And live. Love. No reservations.

Welcome her in dreams, she will come to you. She knew the mysteries of Spirit - we had conversations about it. She is clean and good and whole and happy and beaming her love to you all the time. Yes she is.

The gifts of Spirit are not so mysterious or intangible as we have been taught. Trust the love. Trust the process. Honor her full journey which is now complete, as we must with all those who pass before us. One day it will be our turn and how do we want to orchestrate that? How do we want our beloveds to feel after we're finished here on the beautiful Earth plane?

I want my Lovies to feel happy to have known me. Happy to have benefitted in some way from what I had to offer. Appreciative. But definitely not sad upon my passing. I would want them to celebrate that with all of themselves because that's what I will be doing. A job well-done. A journey completed. A well-earned rest and more adventures to look forward to and plan. Love connected always. I think it is good to treat the deaths of our Lovies as we would want our Lovies to feel when we pass. Because we will, we will. Thank goodness.


Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Celestial Advice on Health

Those birthdays they keep coming....
Yes, those birthdays they keep coming, and though I appreciate the time I have here to do what I do, damn, I'm nearly 60! It is nonetheless, quite a challenge as my body grows older. The knees hurt so much sometimes I cannot get down the basement steps to do the laundry. And I like doing laundry, or I should say I like when it's done and I have clean clothes to choose from. I like folding it hot from the dryer. I like the caring that goes on behind it. My hands don't open pickle jars so well anymore, and when I go out into the world I struggle with stairs and hills and long walks or long waits. 

So I decided to ask Celestial Jess what she could tell me about health, and strengthening myself. Her response was, as always, very interesting, quite simple, and yet profound.

First, she advises me that when I'm doing something that gives me joy I should do it as much as possible. "Whenever you feel joy, it is a sign that you should continue," she says. "The beautiful Universe always gives you signs - and joy is one of the best to trust."

So I asked her about us going vegetarian and why this hasn't brought about the depth of healing I would like. It feels excellent, but I still struggle with some physical issues.

Here, she says, "Well Mamaaa, you have asked and so I will tell you what I know so far. Believe in yourself and all the props and comforts and soothing things that you participate in. If some activity does not bring you peace or pleasure or comfort, question that, and consider whether to continue with it or release it. Props and comfort are very different to each individual, according to their deep-seated belief system. This system can be very complex. Don't be afraid to examine it, bring it into the light, figure out what works for you. Yes, some choices can bring about sickness or exit from the planet, but it really is all about the journey, what you want/choose to accompany you. [All humans exit from Earth, and we have several options along the way to choose our exit. Sometimes we choose it before we come in.] It is all okay - no punishment - maybe limitations or consequences, but no punishment. Choose joy. Choose what makes you feel good. That may change from moment to moment. That is life-on-Earth. All good. All okay. Your choice."

Props and such....

I love the idea of choosing what makes me feel good.
I can go there!
But I still have some challenges. I asked her, "So what do I do, how can I heal my physical body from things I feel the medical doctors introduced - like the arthritis that began, like fire in my blood, right after a flu shot I got? I trusted them, yet that created pain that still rears its ugly head years later."

And this is one of her zingers, I just love them:

So she says to me, "Mamaa, your body rejuvenates itself regularly. You must work with your mind and your belief systems to overcome the pathways your body takes on from your mind, your thoughts. And be very sure of those thoughts - dig deep to find the ones that get stuck in pain and release them, consciously. This is something you need to do regularly, in meditation, to keep yourself as clear as possible. Being human, you will probably continue to tax the human vehicle - tool - the body - and that's expected. That's why we have tools built in for cleansing and purification. Your choice." 

Thank you Lovie!
Really good advice. I will meditate some more. Choose joy. Continue doing the things that I just love to do, and there are so many. 

Are you well and happy?
And I ask her, before closing our conversation if she's well and happy. Of course, her answer is not only yes, but "I'd like to tell you worlds, Momma, I could go on for centuries telling you just everything - sharing my delights, but soon enough you'll join me here and know - For now just trust that I'm well and happy and still with you." I have written the word BELOVED on a neon green post-it note and I keep it on my desk. So much of what I have around me is beloved. Joy. I remind myself not to punish myself for feeling guilty about all the hours spent working in the chair by my desk, I also remind myself to get up and go outside to feed the birds or work on something in the sunshine. Joy. I fit it in around the hard stuff. Thank you sweet Jess for the simple but profound reminders xo

Thank you for sharing your wisdom my sweet big spirit girl xo I love you forever and a day.


Tuesday, February 6, 2018

There Are No Dark Ones in Heaven - from Celestial Jess

Original painting by Edmund Dulac
I wrote to Celestial Jess towards the end of January because I was so sad, with so many people I love sick and in pain, dying. My heart felt heavy and it felt as if Death were riding on our shoulders for such a long time. The older we get, we realize it happens more and more, and it never seems to get easier.

"I miss you a lot." I wrote to Jess. "We have so many beloved ones here who are making the journey home - walking the path of sickness where their precious bodies are no longer able to stay strong. Sweet Graciela [she is struggling with bone cancer], Torey's wife's mother. [His wife,] Gaby's strong, but her heart is taking a tumble. Rob's father Bob [he's 89 and fading like a beautiful flower, no memory, won't eat, sigh...]. Rob's strong too, but so short after his sister's passing, and yours, my sweet, is hard for him. And my special colleague and friend Amy [this beautiful sparkling, ever so nearly perfect, widely respected and beloved woman is struggling with pancreatic cancer - the shock of sickness in all of our beloveds is mind-blowing because we want sickness to be selective - to bypass those who are good and sweet and loving]."

I explained to Jess how sad we feel for the family members who love these people. I didn't write down how we hope against hope along these beautiful, painful journeys that by some miracle, healing will happen so they can stay with us here on Earth so we can continue to love them as we always have.

There are no miss-taken steps.
Jess was all there this night, and she had a lot to say.

"Don't be sad," she wrote. "Everything and everyone has their very own journey and as you know, there are no miss-taken steps. It all winds into the glorious tapestry that is the story of a life well lived. Celebrate. Mourn. Feel. And go on to live your very own journey. All is as it is. And all is okay."

When I told Jess how much I miss our conversations she wrote "I'm here now, Mamaaaa, and it's better this way. Trust that."

"Jess, I was mad at the gods the other day, for creating such a beautiful place - Earth, for doing this experiment with humans, for being too proud and standoffish and 'untouchable' to come and intervene. It seems too cruel to me that they could create such a magnificent playground and then watch while we trap and capture and kill and torture and do power trips that cost lives, beautiful, precious lives - what can you tell me about this?" Yes I was afraid lightning might strike me at any moment as I wrote this, but it's how I felt, so I forged ahead.

There is always guidance available.
"Well," she wrote, "we touched on this when we talked about each person's individual life adventure, the free will of humans and the choices they have along the way. I want to remind you that at every step there is wonderful, loving, wise guidance available but only if humans choose to connect with it, to listen."

"You know this Mamaaa, that each person has both spiritual and earthly guides/mentors, and they can choose to listen or not. It's not that they're removed from knowledge, it's always their choice." She's telling us that we can meditate to get in touch with our very own Celestial guides and angels, and we also have what I call "Earth angels," those people here, who love us no matter what.

Here comes a zinger.

"We, here, cannot step in and 'intervene' or meddle except in rare circumstances when we are holding the position of guardian and we know the timing is not right for an exit or a test. Those are the times we can catch a person in a fall or head off a collision or give them a warning dream, but even then they have choice. The life adventure belongs to humans."

The zinger for me there was that there are situations where intervention does happen. And there's an implication that Celestial beings have some knowledge of what our spiritual selves have chosen to experience and they're beside us as we do this.

I love the next part.

After Jess wrote that the life adventure belongs to humans she wrote, "It's like they all get in the boat together and they decide where and how to sail and what supplies to bring, knowing there may be storms - preparing for them - we don't do that for them. Humans know the world. Itself. It's other humans they don't know so well, with each one being different. And part of the adventure is to enjoy that. What would be the pleasure if every human were the same as every other? The beauty and joy is in the differences."

Well of course it makes sense that the Celestial beings wouldn't do our living for us. Simple. The answers are always so very simple but profound, to me.

I wasn't satisfied. I was still searching for understanding - especially in our political climate, and with so much of our beautiful world and its peoples in jeopardy, I had to keep asking.

What about violence and evil?
"Thank you my sweet," I wrote. "It is hard not to understand why there isn't intervention where violence and evil and hurt come in."

"That is the forgetting Mamaa," she wrote. "It is something that happens when people put their belief outside of themselves. When they give authority to those who prettily convince them they should. These people are in all levels and places of life - they have 'forgotten' the most."

"Is there some way we can help them to remember? Can we teach them somehow?" I asked.

Jess wrote "Usually they remember by experiencing. That which they deny others or withhold. Normally they do not learn by hearing about it, through words, and often their hearts can't connect through compassion, so they have to live the experience of what they're causing that is bringing harm. That is what gives rise to the idea of 'karma' though it isn't, quite, as widely perceived - karma just means what they cause, they will experience - but there are many things that happen that are not part of the seeming 'equation of opposites.'"

And the thought that was downloaded into my head/heart while writing this is very hard to capture, but it's telling me that karma isn't perceived correctly here - it isn't "an eye for an eye" and it doesn't mean that evil perpetuates evil unceasingly. There seems to be some element of free will in defusing it. I may be able to explain this better later, as we keep writing. It seems to be part of what Jess describes as stuff she can't share because we have no way of understanding it in our limited terms. One of the things I've always struggled with is the idea that karma seems to perpetuate evil, and she's trying to tell me that isn't so. I hope she'll go into more detail about it at some point.

So I asked her "Does 'karma' happen during that same lifetime? Where justice comes about, or learning?"

"No," she wrote, "time is of no consequence on spiritual levels - so it can take as long or short as necessary for the being to experience what they've put out." Hm.

Dealing with dark ones.

"Does karma work on positive levels too?" I asked her.

I love this part. "Oh yes!" she writes. "As I understand it, and my understanding is not complete, positive karma brings many rewards, not only on physical levels of Earth plane but also in the spiritual worlds - that is how we grow and gain new options and choices. If we want fun ones, we have the choice to keep to the positive, if we want dark ones we can stay in the forgetting zone."

So I ask "But how do we protect ourselves from those who choose the dark options?"

She writes, "We are safe and loved at all times Mamaa, we are never truly in any distress. We are whole, nothing and no one can change that. Earth is a playground."

"What if we don't want any dark ones to come around us?" I asked.

And here's the scary but comforting part. I don't know if I like it. As I was writing it I didn't want to be writing it.

"They will." she wrote. Great, I thought to myself. We are vulnerable and what are we supposed to do?

Well she told me.

"We can strengthen ourselves at all times by keeping love in our hearts - before, during, and after any episode or event with dark ones. Love heals. It fills us up. If we cross over during an episode or event with dark ones, we are completely healed on this side, if we don't cross over, we can turn to love to heal us while we are there."

She writes, "Love comes from within, from our guides and mentors both spiritual and Earthly, and from friends and sometimes family. Love can also come from Earth herself and her creatures. Elements of Earth - fire, water, air, earth, spirit. Remember Mamaaa? Love heals."

I don't understand why she included the four elements plus spirit - sometimes I don't understand everything she writes. Maybe it'll become clear later.

So I wrote to her "Thank you sweet Jess - this doesn't sound like you, when we just talk, though I really appreciate your answers -"

Because she has a sort of spunky way about her and this was a bit more sort of serious.

Here's a lovely zinger.

"I can tap into a collective of information from my teachers now, Momma, and I've been working hard to learn and re-member."

She wrote, "I had forgotten a lot, and though I wasn't 'dark,' I was a bit lost, or without my inner guidance when I was there. That is why I say you showed me a lot, taught me a lot, but Dad [biological father, Jeff], was more 'forgetful' than you and I picked up more of that from him. I was not a 'dark one' but I was a little farther away from the light than I like to be. So now, after my accelerated life, where I was reminded when in your care, surrounded by your love, I was finished learning about forgetting. I will seek to re-member first, next time so I can stay closer to the light. I like that a lot. I can still have fun, you taught me that. But I don't have to lose myself. Thank you Momma."

Another little zinger. Jess says that she will "seek to re-member first, next time," which I understand means that she will plan to seek connection to her resources in her next life as she grows. This implies spiritual planning before we come in, which I really like. So it seems that life is a bit of a mix of spiritual with physical and I'm learning the boundaries, which seem to flex according to various factors. Fascinating.

And as you can see if you click on the images to enlarge them and read the close of our letter, I tell her how much I love her and how proud I am of her.

A lot there to ponder. More about what she does in heaven, evidently she connects with her teachers and they somehow sort of channel info so it filters down. That's way cool. I like how things are explained. And always, always, after our letters, I like the feeling of peace that stays with me for a long time after we write.

If I were writing this myself, I would somehow make it so we are not vulnerable, so "dark ones" never come near us and never hurt us on any level. I am an idealist, and I LOVE my rose-colored glasses. However, that is not how "the adventure of life" seems to be here, but there are a few silver linings - 1) we are never alone during our trials, and 2) we cannot be harmed beyond the physical level, though that may include mental, physical, and/or emotional distress while we are here, which we can heal with love, and 3) we are advised to apply love to heal all areas of distress. So simple but also rather profound.

Thank you sweet Jess and Celestial teachers. I will ponder these things. One of the things I will ponder is how I define love. It is much, much bigger than I thought....

Update - the other thing I just realized is that she's saying "the forgetting causes the darkness," which implies that dark ones are only "human," - that they forget when they come to Earth plane. I like that one a LOT! It makes sense to me because if there's no threat to existence and no ownership in our Celestial world, there's not a darn thing to fight over. Yay!

Original painting by Arthur Rackham
So now we're all caught up on the latest letters. Thanks for reading along.



Monday, February 5, 2018

Surprise - What To Let Go Of When Our Beloved Dies

The Big Beautiful World
Some of the letters I write to Celestial Jess are embarrassing to share. I guess I feel embarrassed because my weakness shows. I don't like to let it show. But sometimes she teaches me things and makes me think differently, and I like to share that with you.

So I wrote to her in the night on January 2nd, relieved that we'd gotten through the third holiday season without her physical presence, but dreading the time period between New Year's Day and January 9th, because that's the day I was told about her death.

Click on the images to enlarge them if you'd like to read the whole letter.
I reminded myself in the days leading up to January 9th that I never have to relive that traumatic, devastating period again. I reminded myself of all that I've learned since then. And when I reached out to her, letting her know how much I miss her, she gently set me back on my pathway, as she often does.

"I miss you Pal," I wrote.

"I know Momma," she wrote back. "But I had to journey on - you know me. I learned what I needed to learn and you were a big part of that and I chose to move on." Interesting that she says she had a choice. Do we have a choice even after our body seems too sick to go on? If we choose to come back, does divine healing take place so we can continue? How do we recognize that healing? Do we only acknowledge healing as being without challenges, or even a change of vibration/manifestation/existence and worlds?

When I told her that it seems backwards that I'm still here and she's there, she says, "I had an accelerated life Momma. I wanted to learn fast, and when I was done with it, I was done."

That phrase sticks in my mind - "an accelerated life." This is a new way for me to think of those who die young. It seems to imply some consent or arrangement before we come into Earthly incarnation. Hm.

She says, "You nursed me while I was weak, you showed me what is possible, these were some of the reasons we came together." Hm. I like that perhaps I was a part of the arrangements that may have taken place in our Celestial home even before we came to Earth. This is a fairly new way for me to consider our adventures together. Perhaps I can trust the process.

And, as she does fairly often, she sets me back onto my own pathway by reminding me that I am not done with my adventure here yet and she reminds me that she's with me always and I can happily stretch into who I am. She says, "Let it be as it is and KNOW that it is good." Know that it is good. We've heard that before, haven't we?

Live your life.

Here's where it starts to get interesting for me. She says, "Leaving the world is always heavy for those who love and are still there, but it doesn't need to be heavy at all when you understand your place in my journey - your role, your gifts, they don't have to be burdensome. Love with all your heart. Breathe lightly. See the beauty all around you and choose your battles to fight. Live your life. I am right beside you. Graduation is good. No matter how it comes about. Each exit has its sorrows and its blessings and beauty. Drop the responsibility Momma, and step forward into teaching and celebration of life itself. It's pretty cool. There is total balance on this side. Trust that."

Curious how she says I need to understand "my place" in her journey, my role, my gifts.... I'm not sure I've thought about it quite like that before. It's like she's saying we did this together and we each get to "keep" it. Forever. It happened. It is, was, and always will be. And there will be more of these types of journeys, together, if we choose. Hm.

When she writes about each exit having its sorrows and its blessings and beauty the thought that feels downloaded into my head/heart is that even when we are afraid of the trauma of a violent transition, one that seems forced, the one who transitions is not alone, and is surrounded by loving entities at all times. She talks more about that later on and I'll share that part too in the next post, which is at the same time scary, and also very comforting.

She praises me a lot, and I love when she does that. She used to do that on the phone too. And again, she reminds me to meditate. Some of my best lessons and paintings come from meditation. Such simple teachings, like lightbulbs going on.

When I ask her about the dream I find her response fascinating, since I truly didn't understand it and when I dreamed it, it felt cruel. I dreamed that she was right in front of me, dressed so finely I'd never seen anything like it. She was wearing a beaded necklace that was beaded right into the fine hairs of her body and I remember examining it in wonder. She was wearing a beautiful shimmery garment. She was very tall, somehow appearing as if she were standing above me. I touched her, put my hand right on her midriff, and the part that hurt was that she said nothing, she did not look at me, and I wanted so much for some kind of communication.

In asking her about this in our letter, I was reminded yet again that she communicates in different ways and if I don't understand I can always ask for clarification.

I asked her, "So Jess, what was that strange dream where we were so close, I saw beautiful you, but you said no words and I felt some sense of separation? What am I supposed to know from that?"

She says, "You are supposed to know that as beautiful as I am, you are you. And you need to follow through on your pathway."

I still thought it felt cruel of her to "ignore" me, and I wrote, "So why couldn't we just talk and communicate? Why the additional pain? Why not just relax into a fluid form of communication? Was that you?"

She wrote, "I was showing you that I am safe, well suited to my environment. I am on various levels. You must be somewhat more in your world but knowing I'm with you." I can feel that she gets a kick out of appearing in this gorgeous raiment, and explaining that she's "well-suited" to her environment. This makes her laugh xo My little minx.

I understand that when she says I must be "somewhat more in my world," she means I need to be with people doing what I do. I love to be in my studio doing artwork, drawing, painting, writing, and it can be somewhat jarring to be out in the world. But I do find that when I go out in the world I have the most wonderful exchanges with people. Truly delightful. She's nudging me to get out more so that I have more of these exchanges, where I learn from others, and I can give them some takeaways too. There is joy in these exchanges. So because of these nudges I'm making an effort to leave the wonderful seclusion of my studio and be out in the world. It is good.

So I asked the question we all are afraid to ask and we don't want to do it - "Do I need to let go?"

I was afraid of her answer. I was afraid of what she might say. And here came the zinger.

"Yes, let go of the Earthly stuff. The trauma. The attachment to the physical. Truly step right into our spiritual world breathing it all in and letting it glow in your heart. Really let go of the physical sometimes and afterwards ground yourself by going outside, feet on the earth, or with food. We are in relationship but it's all different now."

Wow. Yes, I'm supposed to let go, but not of her, just of my limited, "Earthly" definition of her. She's telling me that it's good to be in relationship, but I need to stretch into my spiritual self for that to happen. Her response surprised me. It is always interesting to be surprised by what your own hand is writing, especially when you feel afraid of it and it turns out to be just beautiful!

Little lessons....
I asked her another question and her response was interesting. While she was living with us as a teenager, she loved to decorate her room at Christmas with sparkly lights, and she had a little fake Christmas tree that she'd put up every year. It was something she picked up from a friend somewhere, and it was a little old and a bit of a "Charlie Brown" tree. She didn't take it with her when she moved to Portland, so after she left I put it up in my studio each year, in celebration of her.

This past holiday season, Rob and I were downtown and as we walked past Woodring's Florist I noticed a gorgeous little ceramic Christmas tree in the window. I had decided not to put up Jessie's Charlie Brown tree because it was so old and rickety last year it fell over twice, scattering its golden Mardi Gras garland, and smashing a few of the little Santa and snowmen ornaments. It felt traumatic at the time, as if something sacred were in jeopardy. So when I saw the little ceramic tree, I went into Woodring's and bought it. I thought it was just perfect for bringing freshness to our ways of "holding things sacred," perfect for stepping out of "the decline" and the past, and stepping into our "now."

New traditions....
I was delighted with this little tree, and enjoyed it very much in my studio for exactly one evening. Then the lights winked out right in front of me while I was standing there enjoying it, and they could not be relit. We tried putting in new batteries and that didn't work. I was so disappointed! I loved the tree because it is very small, smaller than most ceramic Christmas trees, and it fit right on the corner of one of the tables in my studio. I loved it because we bought it at Woodring's where, years ago, Rob had arranged for them to deliver flowers to my office every Monday for weeks when he was courting me. I did not WANT any other tree.

But unfortunately the little tree was put together in such a way that the internal bulb could not be accessed. The manufacturer had glued the base onto the ceramic tree in such a way that it couldn't be removed. It should've lasted 20 years. I should've taken it back, but I couldn't. I couldn't understand WHY this wonderful, healthy step into our new now had turned into a failure. Secretly, somewhere inside, I wanted Jess to fix the tree. I wanted it to miraculously wink back on and shine for the next 20 years.

So I asked Jess, "Why did my little tree break when it symbolized for me, our new relationship?"

"To test you and let you know your capabilities for making things the way you really want them to be."

"Geez though - okay," I wrote back, thinking good grief, it seems they never let up. The simplest things that we do to make ourselves feel better, to shore ourselves up, turn into tests and lessons. Yep. They do.

I spent time researching ceramic Christmas trees and found that many of them are made with plugs so you can just plug them into an outlet. I learned that you can buy just various parts. Light kits, bases, plugs, all kinds of things. So I talked with Rob, and he took our little tree down into the basement and used his Dremel tool to burn out the plastic bottom. It was a very delicate operation, since the ceramic could shatter at any time with the vibrations of the Dremel so close to it. But I reminded myself if I could live without my daughter's physical presence, I could certainly recover from a broken piece of pottery, so we took the risk. It did not shatter. Rob took his time and the bottom eventually popped right out. It was fascinating! The tiny tree had not been lit by a single white bulb internally, like most others - it was lit by several led lights that truly should've lasted for 20 years. One of them had the blackened interior that signaled its failure.

So now we had this beautiful little tree without a base or any way to attach internal parts. That's when I started to do some research. The first time I tried, before we'd taken it apart, the internet gave up no solutions. But several evenings later, after we'd taken it apart, and I again tried to research how to fix it, the internet provided a host of choices! Yay! So we measured and e-mailed an Etsy vendor and chose a base along with the smallest light kit and plug available, and when they arrived it took Rob no more than a half hour to put it all together. Ta da!! It worked and it's beautiful and it'll work for probably more than 20 years!

Darling little tree!
So that's the part in our letter where I say thank you to Jess for helping us find just what we needed. When I complained about the expense, my little $31 dollar tree now being valued at about $70 dollars, she replied, "You are well taken care of Momma, and you will always have what you need."

So I learned two very simple, but important lessons. Number One - If I want something a certain way, the Celestial bodies and entities are not going to come down and make that happen, though they can and do help me find my way, and Number Two - I have to take the initiative and act to bring things about that I desire.

I was so close to just returning the tree, but that isn't what I wanted. How many times in life do we give up? How many times do we curse the Heavens for not delivering? Well, with these two simple lessons I'm back on track.

Thank you sweet Jess for reminding me of my Earthly powers, to use them, and to invite you to be a part of them. It is a new relationship indeed.