Thursday, September 24, 2015

Two Worlds Pen and Ink Drawing

Two Worlds, My Daughter and Me
Last night I picked up my lovely black ink pens and played for a while with an image my therapist described to me when I told her "I'm happy, but the death of my daughter permeates everything."

She said she could imagine me painting it. She said "The feeling is like black smoke, and at first, in the early weeks and months of grief the smoke is very dark, and it permeates everything--your thoughts, your emotions, your activities. Then as time passes, the smoke begins to thin, and it becomes easier to carry on."

I agree. I've experienced several levels of healing that I recognize when I think back to the beginning of Jessie's new beginning, and all the trauma involved in receiving the news, making arrangements, travel, scattering her ashes, taking care of distributing her things, and coming back to my home to learn how to wake up and make things matter again. There is healing there. So my black smoke cloud is beginning to dissipate.

Me, Mom.
In the image, I am the Mom who is left holding lots of love (the wilted hearts in her hand) that I didn't have a chance to give to Jess while she was alive. Not that we didn't have great and wonderful love between us, just that it doesn't "turn off" when someone dies. Also in this image my love is wafting out of my heart and trying to reach her, but it's also piercing my heart because the worlds are separate and I can't really see her. I have a warm blanket around my shoulders for protection.

Jess is dancing in the celestial realms.
This detail of the image shows Jess dancing and flying with her new wings in the celestial realms. She is able to see me, and she's sending out lots of love everywhere. She's healed and happy and celebrating her arrival in her new home. She's facing me, because she still loves me, and always will, but she has new freedoms now, and can go wherever she wants to. Her body is facing me to show that she will always remember me, and will come and visit in my dreams and meditations.

Detail of my face and the love wafting out of my heart.
Detail of Jessie's delight.
The veil that separates the two worlds.
On the left is the spiral of life. The darkness around me dissipates if I walk towards it. It is marked with a zig zag pattern that shows we are connected but separate. When I become not solid, like the little triangles, but synthesize into my own celestial self, I can follow the path to the tip of the triangle and cross over.

I will paint this image soon. Will post when it's done.


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